Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Holding On.

Sometimes you see friends who would be SO PERFECT together and you wonder, "HOW is this not happening?!?"

After 3 months of casual, sporadic dating, she has given up that he will ever really make anything happen, and doesn't really mind. She likes spending time with him when he does ask her out, has a great time every time, and really enjoys his company and isn't about to stop dating him if he asks again. But she's not about to get hung up on someone who is so clearly not hung up enough to ask her out more frequently.

He's got a myriad of excuses for his time pulling him in multiple directions, but ultimately, we all know that if he wanted to make it happen, the man would MAKE IT HAPPEN.

When I suggested she give him a hand in the process, since he's really shy and maybe needs a little encouragement that he's moving in the right direction, she turned to me and said, "I gave up on that a month ago. But that's sweet of you to keep hope."

Normally, I agree with her. If he's not making it happen, let it go, because he's not GONNA. And I would have never considered myself a romantic. And surely, my sympathy for manboys can't be emerging. But I'm wondering if maybe, if he only knew that she would be receptive to his advances, if maybe he would get a move on?

Or am I just dreaming up hope for a relationship I'm not even party to?


The Meesh said...

A motivated man will make it happen.

If he's not motivated enough now, maybe she should make herself not available and see how/if that changes things. She can't just be available whenever he finally has time for her.

Sometimes guys need contrast to wake up a bit.

f*bomb. said...

I agree.
It's weird how, when you see people who could be so great together, but NOT together- you are more willing to be forgiving of their shortcomings.
Of course, that's how most of us get into such trouble to begin with.

Salt H2O said...

Interesting post, I had a conversation with a guy friend of mine in a similar situation where he's just kind of hanging around, going out with everyonce in a while with a friend of mine.

I reminded him that the longer he waits to focus on her to figure out if she's it or not, the longer he waits to get laid.

f*bomb. said...

There's actually a backlash of sorts amongst men- retorting that they resent having relationships referred to purely as a vehicle toward sex. Which implies they are interested in a RELATIONSHIP more than simply "getting some."
I, for one, am proud of those men. Let's examine THAT side of the story next...

CoCo said...

I usually don't comment on dating conversations but I have a thought and a request for clarification:

1) It sounds like this falls into the category of "passive stalking" (which is defined as the guy friend just waiting around until it happens with the friend girl, but not doing much to hijack her agenda, but doing just enough to maintain a presence in her life).

2) By "give him a hand in the process" - is that same to you as "encouraging", or are you saying that she should take more initative rather than reassure his efforts thus far?

f*bomb. said...

I am saying (2) Both. I think his efforts need to be acknowledged and encouraged and even met halfway (or more) as a confirmation that what he's doing is a welcome gesture. It becomes very easy (as a woman being pursued the correct way) to sit back and just let things happen to you, rather than being an active participant. If he's calling you all the time, would it hurt to not simply return a call, but be the one to call him first once and a while? If he's planning all the dates, would it be so wrong to invite him to go to dinner or spend time with your friends (your real friends- not your ward friends).
I'm all for allowing men the space to take the lead and be Men, but at some point, we need to stop copping out and taking a passive-aggressive stance on dating and blaming lack of progress squarely on a man's shoulders.