Ponies, Husbands and Other Fun Wishes.

When someone says, "I really want to get married," it sounds a lot to me like when I say, "I really want a pony."
OF COURSE I want a pony!
I have wanted a pony my entire LIFE!
I know the colour, the pattrern, the name of my pony...I have dreamt of this magnificent creature since the time I was five years old. I WANT THAT PONY.
And then I think, "Farrah, if you REALLY wanted that pony so bad...you'd get it."
And I say, "Self. You outsmart me again."
It's true. If I really wanted that pony right now, I'd get it. I'd take out a loan. I'd buy it. I'd find a way. I could rent. Borrow. I could even volunteer at a stable. There are a number of ways I could have my pony...but I have yet to do so. Because, you see, the truth is, I DO want that pony...when I want something to play with. To dream about. To fawn over. To pamper. To love. So really...how much do I really want that pony? And how much of wanting it is really just what I like to tell myself when I have too much time on my hands?

When I hear people say, "I really want to get married!" I believe them. It's not the sincerity of the dream; it's the reality of the desire. If I say, "I really want to get married," I stop and think, "Am I really doing everything to show that this is the desire of my heart? Or is it simply a desire (...now and then...) in my heart?" If this were truly my desire, I believe I'd be doing more. Just like getting myself that pony.

So before you let out that lonely thought of, "I just really want to be married!" ask yourself:
Have you asked out your own dates?
Have you gone online?
Have you looked outside your own faith?
Have you asked to be set up by friends?
Are you willing to go outside your own comfort zone, put down your pride, accept different expectations and fully pursue the desire of your heart? Or are you simply whimsically repeating a phrase you've known to be true since your childhood?

I'm not suggesting that the statement, "I want to get married," is insincere. (My desire for a pony is very real as well!) I know relationships require TWO hearts to be prepared and open to one another; and that does take time and it may also take kissing a number of frogs to get there. All I'm suggesting is that we not throw around the desire of our hearts as though it is a mere wish or whim or something that we dream of simply to fulfill our own romantic fantasies. That when we speak the desire of our hearts, we speak it with the intent toward action. That when we finally utter the words, "I want to get married," we do so with a sacredness in which we are prepared to do whatever it takes, to pursue at all costs and are prepared for the consequences of caring for, loving, providing and nourishing an eternal relationship.

Because the other part about having a pony is that you'd better be prepared to shovel a whole lot of someone else's shit.

Are Appearances Really THAT Deceiving?

You shouldn't judge a book by it's cover...
But what if that cover is in a too-tight, Ed Hardy-style thermal with large turquoise jewelery that says, "I'm a man, but I think this nod to Native American accessories makes me artistic." Does this mean you should maybe not be willing to give him a chance? If someone's exterior message says, "I'm a dirtbag" because I wear too much hair gel and spray tan and use pick up lines like, "You must work out a lot...I do, too," does that mean that the interior isn't worth getting to know?

When women have the compulsion to show too much cleavage or paint on faces born at the MAC counter or even if they dress like they fell out of their grandmother's closet, this doesn't seem to stand in the way of my reaching out to them or getting to know the interior. So why the double standard with the outward appearance of man? Are appearances really deceiving, or are those book covers there to simply tell us what's lurking just beneath the surface? I just loathe the idea of saying, "if only you changed (name superfluous item for makeover)." Is the mere noting of shallow thoughts equivocal to actually being shallow? It seems almost like a reversed prejudice- that it would be wrong to judge someone who's cover reads, "shy, awkward and dorky" but absolutely acceptable to shun the cover that reads, "self-involved, superficial dirtbag."
I'm just wondering, because if I'm gonna overcome my prejudices it's probably about time I call him back by now... But acceptance can be a slippery slope; because then there's the fear that THIS isn't far behind...

The Interception.

One time I heard Steve Young (some football guy) speak. Well- I guess I've heard him speak an inordinate amount for being completely uninterested in football. In any case, ONE of these times, as I floated in and out of consciousness during his endless football stories (not even analogies- just stories!), he talked about this awful day of playing and then suddenly he thought he had it all together and then, "Wham! Interception." I alerted with a start and applauded. My friend turned to me and said, "No, Farrah. An interception is a BAD thing." Man. Not only was this a hella crappy story about a crap day, but that term, "interception," didn't make any sense as a negative whatsoever. If you throw a ball and someone catches it, that sounds like a GOOD thing to me. But now, over ten years later, I think I'm beginning to understand.

I've become accustomed to considering other women my ally. The assumption comes automatically- I like women and I value sisterhood; with that, there's an intrinsic trust I hold to other women- deserved or not, I assume we are on friendly terms and on the same side- the same team, if you will. But now I realize, some women may not necessarily play for the other team, but they can go rogue and play for themselves.

Recently I had an interesting string of conversations with a respected male friend about the pettiness of women. The leap women will take in calling one another "bitches," "ho's" and "sluts." I'm going to stop here and offer some recommended reading.

They were well interpreted for entertainment value in Tina Fey's comedy, "Mean Girls," but you probably already knew that. While there's much discussion we could have at this point, I'm going to focus this post on only one moment: The Interception.

Recently at a party, I noticed a guy shadowing me around a bit. Eventually I worked up the nerve to turn around and introduce myself and as we were beginning to hit it off, another girl, a stranger, walked directly in-between us and suggested I talk to another man.
I only wish I were making this up.
Here's the real conversation:

Me: O, yes! So you must be the guy (my girl friend) was telling me about! Is this your house?

He: No- I don't live here, but yeah! I was inviting-

tall girl walks between us and interjects-

She: This is where (some other dude) lives.

Me: (slightly startled) O...um...

She: You should go talk to him. He's that Asian guy over there. Good looking. Single.

Me: (uncomfortable laugh with a friendly nudge) Aren't we all?

She did NOT reciprocate the gesture OR find me funny. OR move from her stance between us. So I turned and left.

In any case, while I was in the middle of a conversation with someone who was clearly also in the middle of a conversation with me as well, this particular girl found it totally appropriate to physically step in-between us and literally tell me to go and talk to someone else. Perhaps it was my weak point to have turned and left, or perhaps it was his to not call her out. I am hesitant to pass judgment on either of our etiquette in response, considering we were at a party and had only been talking for several minutes. And that's what's even stranger to me; it was only a conversation. It was simply being friendly and doing what normal social behaviour would dictate: make an introduction, find mutual connections, explore a social connection- all basic interactions one should expect at a social event. I generally like to explain conversation like throwing a ball. You are responsible to throw first- the faster you can throw to your partner, the less you have to think about yourself- you are focusing on getting the ball into your partner's hands. Doing this helps to relieve yourself of the pressure of thinking of what to say next- as soon as you release that ball and hand it off to your partner, the ball is in their court and you are free to enjoy listening to their response until they choose to either 1) throw the ball back or 2) hold onto and dominate the ball for themselves 3) drop your ball and walk off the court. What startles me is how common a third party feels comfortable in walking in and taking the ball with them as they go. An interception. A negative interception!

I'm not sure of a solution to this kind of play, but perhaps this experience can be a call to greater awareness for all of us. Interceptions do happen. They are intentional. If it happens to you, supersede smoothly it by refocusing on the partner you came to play ball with. And if you're the one intercepting, I'll tell you now; you're rude. And yeah- I'll probably call you a bitch. And you'll totally deserve it.

Brownie Slut.

I'm KINDA shocked when I meet someone (especially a BYU alum) who is not familiar with the term, "Brownie Slut." These Brownie Sluts were so prevalent in my college years that I swore off baking the entire time there, just to ensure I was not confused with one. You've seen them; those girls who peddle baked goods, usually door-to-door, in order to meet and introduce themselves to local boys. The rationale (if you can call it such) is that, by providing a sweet treat, she too, would get a treat and be invited on a magical date to the temple or to 7 Peaks or something equally romantic and eventually be married by next semester. Being a Brownie Slut is like the gateway drug to being a pharmaceutical rep; provide treats and you will be remembered and revered. And hopefully position you well to marry a doctor! Totally clever plan, riiight?
Barf.
While I have no objections to brownies proper, it is in the intent of the act which I find disheartening.

And now I must address the Sluts themselves:
Ladies- at what point did it seem like prostituting your skills out to men who have done NOTHING for you, seem like a good idea? Does it occur to you that maybe a man might value you more if you let HIM do something to get YOUR attention? So close your cupboards, ladies.*

*See? It's not just me. It's DOCTRINE now.

PB&J

I'm not particularly fond of peanut butter. Criminal, right? But as much as I'd like to appreciate it, I just enjoy the jelly more. There is so much variety and scope to the types of jelly you can use on a PB&J. For a long time I didn't think I liked PB&J, but then I figured out that it was because my mom always just shoved a giant glob of jelly onto a piece of bread with a glob of peanut butter smeared on it, so by the time I got to school, it was just a giant blob of peanut butter dripping in jelly with crust.
ick.
As an adult, I have learned that the proper ratio of peanut butter to jelly is KEY in a sandwich. Further is the cross-cutting of the sandwich, which adds to the appeal. You'll not that a diagonally cut PB&J is much more appealing than a sandwich cut in half. Furthermore, teacake cut PB&J (cut diagonally into quarters) is even more appetizing and your everyday lunch has now become an unexpected, delightful little treat.

In relationships, let's be honest, I like the jelly. Lots of it. I could have snuggle time for hours and not mind one bit. But relationships require more than the jelly. The peanut butter is what turns toast into a sandwich. And as much as I may dislike peanut butter, it is what turns a side snack into a meal. As I've discussed situations with male friends (and a few women admit to this as well), as much as they enjoy the making out part, they can only do it so long before they simply get bored or don't know what else to do with the person. And no matter how much they may like their date, they can't subsist on the jelly alone. Good as it is, it requires something heavier, something thicker, to hold the bread together. It requires peanut butter. Something that kind of sticks to the roof of your mouth, maybe gets in your teeth and makes you want to brush and floss afterward. But it sticks in your gut and you don't feel like you've spoiled your stomach later and you feel like you've done something good for yourself and enjoyed what you put into your system.

What I'm saying is, there's something to be said for planned activities. There's something to be said for intellectual dialogue. There's something to be said for broadening and deepening the connection you share with the person you're with beyond simply the glob of jelly. And if you do it right- by cutting on the diagonal- even the stuff that's not your favourite is still kind of nice to look forward to the feeling you'll get after it's all been digested.

Twin Beds = Celibate Men

It's not just true on "I Love Lucy." If a man is sharing a room and sleeping in a twin bed, one things is for certain: That guy is not getting laid.
Katie and I were talking the other night about men and twin beds, and she said, "There are only 3 times when a man should be sleeping in a twin bed and sharing a room. When he's a little boy, when he's on a mission, and when he's in college. But that is it. There is no reason for a man to be 30 and in a twin bed, still sharing a room." To which I proceeded to illustrate that two best friends (men), used to work for the same company, share the same room, and slept in...BUNK BEDS. I won't even get into the matching company cars and sync'd Milli Vanilli soundtracks. In any case, raised eyebrows at work aside, neither one got married until AFTER they'd moved away from each other and got queens. They're now married with kids and definately not gay.
Now, I recognize that (due to a little something called "morality"), NONE of us are getting any. However, the point is, that until you get out on your own, little soldier, and get a bed big enough for the both of us; no self-respecting woman is going to bed with a man who still lives like a boy.

Conclusion: If you are a man and are still sleeping in a twin bed and sharing a room, the chances of you getting a woman in there are about as good as Ricky Ricardo's. And that guy was already married.

Positive Growth Theory.

When you finally get everything you want and everything you need and more than what you expected-
Will you be prepared to accept it?

So many times we are all waiting for the next big thing. The next big move. The home improvements we've been daydreaming over. A better job that makes you happy. The relationship that will be the end-all-be-all of relationships. So what happens when we finally get it...and we still don't feel right? Are you prepared to accept the gifts that have been given you? Do you believe that it's possible you really could be so blessed? Do you recognize that you deserve good things in your life when so much of it is spent in pursuing it?

I hope that you can. I hope that you do see your worth and that you value the things and the people that you have for what they are to you right now. Seeking the bigger better deal may inspire progression, but it may also prevent you from accepting and investing in what you already may have and allowing for that investment to grow.

Somehow, I'm not talking about economics.

When it's Over-

Do you fight?
Or let it go?

I've always believed that if someone you love is willing to walk away from you, the best thing to do is shut the door and never look back. Because if someone doesn't respect and honour you for who you are once they actually know you, they don't deserve your time or affections.
But-
Are there mitigating circumstances?
Have you ever broken up with someone, thinking, "But if..." and wished that they'd come back? Or wanted to revoke your own judgement?
I'm as cold and empty as a soulless robot, so I was hoping someone from the peanut gallery might have some words of wisdom to contribute.

ick.

So.
I really fell of the old wagon, didn't I?
To the six of you who still read- sorry to disappoint. For multiple reasons which will momentarily remain undisclosed.
For now, I pose a single question:
How many of you are emotional basketcases because you're on the pill?
Seriously.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
All of a sudden I'm emotional, teary, sentimental and I feel obsessive over minute interpersonal interactions. I eat like crazy (as in, from the level of "horse" to "genuine oinker. Possibly a hippo"). This all makes me feel as if I'm mildly insane. Suddenly I'm clingy, needy and vulnerable.
Is it just the hormone pills talking?
They even out after a few months, but, boy-o-boy.
Apparently it took a pill to make me feel like a natural woman.
My sincere condolences to women who are inherently full of this much estrogen. I don't even know how you begin to cope. Share your wisdom. Please.

Touch Me.

I understand that most people who send mass emails, holiday texts, and fwds are usually annoying with good intentions. Primarily, the intention is purely to make contact and remind you that you're on their mind. Second to that is the message itself. I do what I can to have patience with these methods, and I am appreciative of the message itself (if it's in regards to something relevant, like a friend's birthday party or upcoming event they want me to attend). E-Communication has become little more than mass-communication, but the intention is the same: it's making contact.

What baffles me is that e-communication rarely achieves the desired effect. Do you ever feel special when you get a mass text? Email? Posting on your Facebook/MySpace wall? Maybe a fleeting moment...but what happens on Friday night, when you're ready to go out? Or Sunday morning, when you're ready to talk about your weekend? Who is really there for you? What kind of difference does it make when one of your 400 MySpace friends actually picks up the phone to ask the simple question: "How are you?"

The reality is that a simple question in person has the power to pull you in from a distant e-friendship to a real, live relationship.

In a world full of mass activities with the chaos of strangers or near-friends, clubs with hundreds of sweaty bodies, too loud and crowded to hear a name, and nightly opportunities for dessert-parties, game nights, and FHEs, how much more does it mean when someone takes the time to reach out and spend five minutes- FIVE MINUTES- hearing your opinion on the latest film, or asking about your latest adventure.

And then, when we move into the realm of relationships, how much more meaningful has it become to be with someone who won't simply text you goodnight, but will actually make their way over to your house to give you a proper send-off to sleep (or maybe wear you out a little so sleep comes a bit better). Time after time I hear stories of confusion or complaint because someone texted someone and didn't hear back or the ball got dropped somewhere along the e-line and now...no one knows where they stand or what they should do. Dear man-reader, I am going to give you a tip: Women LOVE real contact. They salivate for it. And particularly at a time when our world is inundated with e-messages, the man who takes the time to make a phone call, cross the room, or look us in the eye for longer than 5 minutes is considered a higher class of being. By demonstrating real effort to make real contact, you are, essentially, a Real Man.

For all the fantasies that are out there, every woman would rather have a real man to hold over one who is merely dropping by a, "Whatz up 2nite?" weak-@$$ text.

The Hunt.

Thanks goes out to Kory; while she did not inspire this post, the timing of her 1996 reprisal as the Dancing Banana comes in a timely moment.Looking for a job is a lot like dating. There are three basic approaches to either:

You do your research based on your prior experiences and desire for the future to seek out the best possible match and then hope and pray they look your way. You submit your resume of interest and wait. You know you're qualified. You know they'll want you, if only they'd just look your way! There's not much more you can do without inspiring a restraining order if you're really trying to go for it. There may be back-door entries such as mailing your resume via FedEx so you can be sure the one you want gets the message and it's not thrown out by a jealous or territorial "assistant." Perhaps lurking outside the parking lot during lunch and hoping your qualified decision-maker-paramour might recognize you without looking like a stalker.You ask friends about connections, opportunities to network or job fair parties where you might come across "The One." And still, the most you can do is remind them about who you are and that you're still interested if there's ever a place for you in their company.

Another approach is to seek anything anywhere- you throw your nets out with maybe a few desired requirements, but let's be honest: You're desperate and you'll settle for anything short of donating your own bodily fluids. It may just be a "for now" to get you by while you keep an eye out for something better, or you may go into that retail shop full-well knowing you're planning to bounce the second a pharmaceutical job returns your call, but either way, you'll pretend it's enough to satisfy you. Just for now. This is how we all end up working dead-end temp jobs that become permanent- sometimes it's just enough to get by on and that can be comfort enough. Just don't lose sight of your end goal, or you'll turn around in 5 years wondering how the hell this loser wasted the best years of your life.

Finally, there's the hardest way. You know exactly what you want and what it will take to get it. You need to make some deep considerations on if this is what's best for you and have to consider the costs of putting it all on the line- mind, heart, body and soul. It may take humility, it may take more than 80 hours a week of invested time, but the passion and desire for this means you will sacrifice whatever it takes to get whatever experience you may need to be ready and qualified when the right spot opens up for you. You are preparing and keeping yourself ready and worthy to move up to the next level by doing everything you can right now so that, when the time is right, you can move forward with the utmost confidence and satisfaction in knowing that this is what you've always wanted.

Either way, all choices require that you consider what it is that YOU want. Sure, any job can approach you first- it happens to me every time I go shopping. The question is not so much if they want you, but if you want them. So prepare yourself, take inventory of who you are, what you have to offer and what your end goal is, so when The One comes along, not only will they want you, but you'll be ready for them.

Mellow Drama.

It's no secret; I'm no romantic.
So what's an even-headed gal to do when faced with a man who is?

As I've mentioned, I write for a celebrity website. It's required that I extensively review and research their history. At one point, my (male) coworker leaned over and said, "That is SUCH a good movie." Shocked (and somewhat repulsed), I responded, "ugh. I never saw it because I heard how completely awful it was!" He recoiled and said, "Are you kidding?!? That's the most romantic movie I've ever seen!" (This is not an uncommon conversation for me to have.) I chortled. Genuinely curious, I asked, "So...What made it so romantic?" He leaned back and considered for a moment, "I think," he mused, "it is the most in love I have ever seen any actor play." Doing my best (not by much) to avoid wrinkling my nose in mistrust, I asked, "So- what made their relationship so romantic?" He responded, "He was just so in love. It was amazing how much he loved this woman. He would have done anything for her. But he couldn't have her. And when he couldn't have her, he just loved her even more and that just made him want her even more than before."
"Uhhh..." I asked, "Didn't they just meet randomly and he couldn't 'have her' because they were both in other relationships, right? Wasn't that the storyline?"
He paused, "Well...Yes. But, see- that just made him realize how much he loved her!"
At this point I'm gagging on my own horrified bile. Is this typical of romantic male reasoning? Wanting what you can't have? O. Now that's original. And even more- true passion and real love in Hollywood requires separation from the one you're currently committed in order to pursue the new woman who's just outside the title of "complete and total stranger." (See: The Wedding Planner, Serendipity, Runaway Bride, The Notebook, insert random chick-flick here- trust me- the formula works.)

Just the night before a friend (male) mentioned he was watching "The Holiday."
"ugh." I said. "I hated- hated- that movie! They should've just developed the Jack Black/Kate Winslet side of the story. At least that was based on an actual connection. Cameron Diaz and Jude Law- how on earth is that supposed to be romantic? They were both desperate and lonely and bored and drunk. They have sex and from that one-night stand with someone they have no obligations to, they fabricate a complicated and volatile relationship out of nothing!"
silence.
He said, "Okay. So I guess we like different movies."

Ever since I dated the guy who'd get teary-eyed whenever we had to say goodnight by 3am (as if parting were such sweet sorrow), I've been put off and slightly suspicious about these crocodile tears. How realistic is it that men are this sentimental, and what qualifies a relationship as 'romantic'? Isn't that usually just a formality to getting it on? When a man is so attached, so soon- how do you know when it's real or manufactured as a means to an end? Am I the only one to hesitate at the idea of falling into romance right away, or is this a realistic prospect? Do men really fall that hard that fast and actually mean it? Or are we all just brainwashed and conditioned to believe that irrational and wildly rushed are the essentials for real romance? This concept frightens me, as I cannot help but wonder- if it happens that quickly this time with me, how quickly will you fall into someone else when you're no longer engulfed in the drama of something new?

Newton's Law.

A girlfriend recently detailed her latest long-standing flirtation with someone from work. After a month of roadtrips and long talks and flirty texts, they finally went out. Over the last 2 weeks he has suddenly vacillated between either awkwardly ignoring her during or sending flirtatious text messages on the weekend. I don't know this guy and I don't know more than what she's told me about the situation, but it seems to me that a man who can't be bothered enough to pick up the phone after having an actual date doesn't seem to be man enough to expect any sort of response from her. Normally, I'd write the situation off as another case of "he's just not THAT into you" enough to behave like a normal human being- or even as someone remotely attentive. What gives me pause is the fact that she has confessed ignoring HIM and behaving just as awkwardly because now she really likes him. She responds to his flirtatious texts with (what she deems) "sassy, sarcastic" ones that some might find rather...deflating. She refuses to discuss their relationship with their other coworkers- particularly their mutual friends. It's made her even more insecure to know that he may or may not be talking about her- but she's stuck in the middle of not knowing what to do because, quite frankly, several weeks of flirting and a date or two does NOT a relationship make.

Newton's 3rd Law of Motion states that "for every action is an equal and opposite reaction." Is it giving him too much credit to say this guy is simply playing off of HER cool behaviour? Or is he, in fact, simply calling (ahem- texting) only when it's convenient for HIM? Does it even matter? I'm inclined to believe that if someone simply texts on a Friday night with no particular purpose that the only thing he's interested in is wasting time (at his convenience, mind you. Double bad). I'm also inclined to believe that the true message is in the meta verbals- if he's only calling when he knows you can't respond, but he continues to call and the tone is always inviting and friendly, perhaps that's as good as it will ever get. FRIENDLY. So far, that's as much credit as I'm willing to give this joker; they clearly like each other and have a good time, but it seems to me that his mind is made up to be nothing more than good friends.

So my remaining question is:
How much can we expect that men are reacting rather than acting out? I suspect that (when push comes to shove) men will pony up and make things happen with a woman they truly can't do without, and therefore any behaviour short of this means he's not really interested in pursuing anything beyond friendship- but maybe I'm giving too much credit (or my expectations for one to man-up is too high). You tell me. Is he wasting her time, or just waiting for when the timing is right?

Jumping the Gun.

Lately I see a lot of carts before horses around me. Usually those are the carts of good-hearted, well-intentioned men (so I like to think).
But why the onslaught of friends calling me to say that they're breaking up with someone before the relationship is even...well...A Relationship?!?

Real conversation:
he: I'm just not sure I want to start a long-distance thing.
me: Have you even gone out with her yet?
he: I just met her yesterday. But she lives out of state. I don't even know if I want to bother putting forth effort into that kind of distance.
me: (laughing) Well...maybe you should call her first to see if there's any reason to keep in touch at all.

Another real conversation:
she: I just got this email from (a guy I went out once with 3 months ago). I think he's breaking up with me.
me: Wait, who? You aren't dating anyone, though, are you?
she: Well...we went out three months ago and I emailed him to tell him I had a good time and it was nice talking to him and then I never heard from him again. And now I just got this email- three months later- where he says that he just didn't want to pursue things with me because he didn't have feelings for me like that, but he would still like to be friends.
me: (stunned silence.) Are you sure he wasn't just kidding?
It seems like lately there's a lot of breaking up with people we haven't even started dating yet. This worries me. Why are we eliminating people from our lives before we even have time to consider them as friends, let alone romantic possibilities? Considering that we only have time and patience for so much shallow conversation, why is it we're limiting ourselves from the only kind of connection that really matters- a genuine one. And even then, why do we rush to the conclusion that a genuine connection must result in a terminal relationship? Whatever happened to all those glorious, fun, enjoyable levels of relationships in-between? Can't we just enjoy being FRIENDS for a while? Especially in a world so lacking in Real, True Friendship and caring, I think there's something to be said for knowing when you have someone in your corner, wanting the best for you- even when that doesn't mean having them.

To all of you who may be jumping the gun on breaking up before you've gotten to know someone, I'm going to share my relationship ladder with you. I hope it will ease your pain and soothe your freaked-out hearts.
Best of luck.

The Relationship Ladder:
What it takes to get to know someone. And then date them. And THEN marry them.
1. Acknowledgement
2. Friendly Conversation
3. Occasional mixed-gatherings
4. Occasional one-on-one conversation
5. Occasional one-on-one quality time
6. Frequent one-on-one time
7. Expected/Assumed one-on-one time
(You may add "with steps 1-3," involving other people to this, too.)
8. One-on-one time with the goal of commitment
9. One-on-one time with the express intent of commitment
10. Exclusive, committed time
11. Engagement
12. Marriage.

If you ask me, that's a lot of steps and a lot to progress through. If at any point in time, you feel burdened, just ask yourself: Do I want to see this person again? If the answer is no- you can stop seeing them. If the answer is yes, you can move forward. It's a fairly simple process, really. If you're still contemplating breaking up with that person, ask yourself: Do I want to see them for the next 2 hours? If the answer is no, go ahead and stop seeing them. But unless the reason you don't want to see someone again is because you just plain don't want them in your life- don't WORRY about it.

Remember, "Cart-Before-the-Horse" friends, there are two sides of every coin to deal with. As much as you might worry they're getting too attached to you, there's a whole other party involved who just might feel like YOU are the one getting way too fond of them.

Discomfort #32.

This weekend, I experienced a plethora of discomforting situations. And I am rarely uncomfortable. Whether it's that these men are just socially inept or possibly don't get much exposure to women or (most likely) they view their social settings as an excuse to treat every woman as a potential conquest, I'm not certain. Hence the utter lack of focus and concentration on any single one of us.
Further examples of behavior designed to impress women with awkward behaviour:

Example #32: Talk to her, but spend the entire time looking over her shoulder at anyone else who may be possibly passing by while you do it. That way, you look like you're entertaining and charming and popular to everyone else, except the person you're talking to. Women love that.
Example #45: Turn to the girl next to you and ask, "So, what's your story?" during the sacrament as though you are in a singles bar. Do inappropriately intimate things like touch her jewelry, rearrange her shoes, touch her dress or lean up against her during the hymns. She will inevitably find you charming and feel strangely familiar with you by the end of the first hour of church. You charming bastard.
Example #27: Don't ask her for her number. Don't even ask her name. Just wait until you can interrupt a conversation she's in and demand that she put YOUR name and number in her phone and then tell her that she will be attending XYZ events with you. Then just sit back and wait for her to call!

Remember, Blogg is a setting of safety and we are all here to help one another. If you have any other suggestions for making someone you just met unpleasantly uncomfortable, please feel free to add examples so that the good people in our social circles may demonstrate the proper behavior.

Truth.

Sometimes I feel like I was injected with truth serum. Only it's not so much an injection, but it's that I have it running through my veins. Honesty. Just. Flows. And it's not verbal diarrhea; I don't have a need to talk about nothing for no reason constantly. It's just that when someone asks me a question, I give them an answer. An honest, straightforward answer with no thought of cushioning or softening the edges or disguising my opinion to something they might prefer. Just. Plain. Truth.

Example:
I am at an event where a guy I've met several times approaches me. He's nice, attractive, fun; but even though he got my number months ago, he's never called or talked to me outside of incidentally bumping into me at random parties, and even then, the conversation must remain shallow, since he needs to focus on looking at any other girl who may be passing by. I run into him again and he asks me about a girl I don't know.

He: So, what do you know about her? Do you think you could hook me up?
Me: Well, I don't know her, so...no.
He: But she lives by you! You know everyone!
Me: uhhh...actually I don't, and as I said, I don't know her. I may have seen her before, but I certainly don't know her well enough to set her up with someone. Nor do I know you well enough to set you up with someone. Particularly someone I've never met.
He: Well. Hey- why don't you call me and let me know when there are parties happening!
Me: um...No, thanks.
He: Why not? Do you even have my number?
Me: No.
He: Well...don't you want to get it?
Me: Not really.
He: ?!?!
Me: Well, realistically, if there's something happening down the street from me, it probably wouldn't naturally occur to me that I should call you, since we really never talk or hang out anyway. It's not really high on my list of things to do; call people who don't live by me or don't talk to much to invite them to a party I probably won't stay at for longer than 45 minutes. But you're welcome to call me anytime if you want to hang out with me, or if you want to head over to my area, I can tell you what's going on that night. And if there's nothing going on, but you want to head over, we can always make something happen.
He: uhhh...but don't you want to get my number so you can call me?
Me: Well, I probably won't. I mean, I'm totally open to making something happen if you want to call me, but I can't honestly say that I would think to call you if something random were happening up the street from me. But you're always welcome to call anytime.

I'm being realistic here. Who has time to create activities to occupy or entertain someone they barely know who has made next to zero effort in becoming a friend or acquaintance of any kind? I mean, at this point, is there really anything more that can be said? Here is someone who clearly has no interest in hanging out with me, beyond using me to look busy during a party so he can check out other girls; and is thereby someone who has made it clear he wants association with me purely for his own benefit, giving nothing in return with no suggestion of friendship or a reciprocal relationship at any level.

Walking away from that conversation, I realize that I could appear to be rude. But isn't it poor etiquette to approach someone merely to use them? And wouldn't it be more inconsiderate, ultimately, to promise or feign the intention to call when I already know that I won't? Say what you say, but if you ask me, I'd rather be honest in my dealings at all times. Even if it may temporarily bruise an ego that (let's be frank here), really had no concern for my own.

Usually I attribute such behavior to the East Coast in me. (East Siders, feel free to disagree.) It appears common habit to the West to say such things as,
"Call me!"
"I'll call you!"
"We'll do lunch!"
"We have to hang out!"
"O! I love you! You're the BEST!"
or something along those lines.

The reality? You usually just see them again by accident. Eventually it will get awkward or frustrating because you never know if they're just gladhanding you to feel good about themselves or to make you feel falsely good about yourself. And eventually, you never really know if that person is trustworthy, dependable, or a real friend after all.

Where I'm from, you don't say things you don't mean, and you don't make promises or suggest actions you don't intend on following through with. You will always know where I stand, and if you ask my opinion, you will get an honest answer. Like it or not, you will always know that what I've said is true. If you choose to, you can always know exactly where you stand. When I get your number, it's because I intend to call. When I say I will be somewhere or do something, it's because I have set aside time so that I may do so. And when I say, "I love you," it's only because I really, truly, honestly mean it.

And isn't that worth risking the reputation of being rude?

So can you kick it? Yes. You can.

He's Got Game.

Apparently there is a book out called, "The Game." Written by a student of some legendary pickp-up artist who looks more like a reject from Willy Wonka's costume party, "The Game" discusses how to pick up on women. What made me laugh is the response I've heard from men I KNOW in regards to this book. That it's "brilliant!" "sooo true!" and "really works!" and in describing some of the "moves" discussed by "the society of pick-up artists," I had to laugh. Sorry to burst your bubble, boys. Here's a clue: Those "moves" are working because WOMEN KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.

We know that if you put your hand on our lower back and lead us somewhere, that is the signal to let us know you want to put your hands on other parts of our body, too. And, unless you're a creep, we're usually cool with that. We know that when you touch our face, it's you trying to be "tender" with us when all you really want is to kiss. And that's usually cool too, if you've treated us kindly and with respect and there's a genuine connection there. "Leading a woman away from the pack"? Please. So elementary. Trust me, we didn't GO to that party/bar/club/FHE meeting to hang out with the girlfriends we arrived with. In fact, ask ANY woman you know if she'd prefer to stay talking with her roommates or a man who showed interest in something she's talking about. Or even a man who showed interest in anything long enough to look her in the eye and give a few meaningful responses or contributions beyond the typical "good to see you (as I look over your shoulder at every other girl in the room)" move men tend to think inspires us to like you.

Besides. If you're taking advice from a man who looks like this:I think we need more help than you can find in some $35 book.

What baffles me is that men seem to think it's so COMPLICATED to get a woman's affections. If anything, that is the ONE area where women are incredibly simple. All a woman needs is to know you are sincere. Genuine interest, sincere attention, and TIME are all it really takes. And trust me, boys, not one of you (that I know) needs more help than that. I'm amazed at how many guys will say, "Why aren't you interested in (this guy or that guy)?" and the only response I can give is, "He never asked." If you are a man and you're not ASKING for us to give you attention, you're likely only going to get it from girls who still think baking brownies is the best way to the alter. Which is fine, if that's what you're looking for. (Just know that I'm rolling my eyes and snickering.) But if what you want is a mature, equal partner who is ready to get into the trenches with you because she wants to contribute to creating the best life you can together, all you need to do is ASK.

Ask for her attention by talking to her when she's not surrounded by other people. Ask her opinion on something that interests you- ask her about what interests HER. Ask her out- show her you think she's worth an hour or two of your Guitar Hero time. And here's the real kicker- if you're asking her sincerely about what you genuinely want to learn about her, and she's INTERESTING to you, chances are high, she'll think YOU are really interesting, too. It's a crazy pheonomenon- people who are interestING are so because they are interestED. And what's awesome for you (for both of you) in this deal, is that when you do find someone genuinely interesting, you don't have to think about "moves" or "tactics" because she'll already know you're interested. And the bonus is: You really are.

In fact, as a woman who'd like to see everyone feel good in a relationship, let me offer you some of MY pickup artist tips (and they're totally free):
1) Be genuine. It's hard to take someone seriously when you know he's said the same things to every girl you know.
2) Be real. Don't kiss us when you don't like us and don't want to see us again. THAT is how guys get labeled as players. NOT by asking out multiple girls in order to get to know individuals better.
3) Be good. You would not BELIEVE how many referrals I get on a guy I barely even know- word on the street is, "he's a really good guy." INTERESTING how "really good guy" equates to "damn! I REALLY want him to call me!"

So please, Really Good Guys of this world, know this: We like you. We want you. We just need you to want us enough to reach out and let us know that you're interested enough to put down that stupid book and give us a little of your time.

Anything else you'd like to contribute in the advice sector for these guys? Go for it. If my buddies are wasting $35 on this scam artist, I can promise any words of wisdom are welcome here.

For Better or Worse?

When I was a kid there was this comic, "For Better or Worse," in the daily paper. I always read these little snippets of a young family's life, but it wasn't very funny at all and the title alone mystified me. You're a comic...how bad could your life possibly be?

Now, that phrase has a deeper meaning- perhaps one that was alluded to in the comic by virtue of marriage alone. But as someone who has never been married, I wonder:

What's the "worse" mean?

There are some obvious causes for divorce, in my book. I won't even go into the obvious here. But...what about falling away spiritually? There is no guarantee, you know. As we've all learned by now, all testimonies are different and even the most faithful at one point may have weaknesses in others. Your background does not determine your faithfulness. It's just a jumping off point for when you start making your own decisions. And what happens to the faithful when their good decisions, for better or for worse, don't result with the expected, desired outcome? What IF your loved one has a change of faith? What IF your spouse chooses to no longer be diligent in their calling or study scriptures or say prayers anymore? What IF???

So when you are married in the temple, I don't know if you agree to "better or for worse," but I do wonder- at a rising divorce rate quickly joining the secular world's 50% average- what do you do when someone in your marriage decides to change their mind? Not about their commitment to YOU, but to their faith?

Strong Apathy?

"I don't care."
Probably one of the most frequently employed phrase of adolescents. At least, when I was an adolescent, it was likely the most common response to most anything. Maybe I was an inordinately sullen girl, I don't know. I'm not sure how you were when you were the delightful age of 12, but I know that pretty much nothing mattered to me enough to say anything. Actually, beneath all that apparent apathy, I think there must have been a great deal of fear. Insecurity, perhaps; that standing out in stating an opinion somehow would make me draw attention to myself, which (for most of us) is the absolute LAST thing we want in Jr High. Maybe it was even the desire not to offend or hurt someone else by having a difference of opinion. Don't get me wrong. I am most definitely certain that I have always been abnormally opinionated; it's just a matter of whether or not I would share my feelings. In fact, the response, "I don't care," usually meant that I very much cared and that I knew I was not about to come even close to having my desired outcome, so, really...what's the point? So yeah. At 12, I DON'T care. And yeah, I kind of resent that I can't.

"I don't care!"
Throughout my 20s, the spirited enthusiasm which came through being an overtly passionate individual would usually give way to the highly agreeable singsong response, "I don't care!" Whatever was good for my friends was probably good by me...I mean, as long as we are together, what does it matter where we go or what we do? I knew we're going to have a great time and make a great night and create some awesome memories and just get closer and become better friends. While I was stoked most of the time about most of whatever I happened to be involved with, it didn't so much matter if I was at the helm of the ship, so long as I was on a good boat. Either way, I knew it was going to be a party.

"I don't care."
Lately I've been feeling like maybe the immense manic decade and a half of my life was either absurdly optimistic or that I'm going through some kind of punk attitude akin to my Jr High years. I find myself doing a lot of things I like a lot- alone. And I don't care. I find that I'd rather spend time with one or two people that I really appreciate and value and find interesting, than surround myself with a plethora of people in order to be busy on any given night. I've been wondering what happened to the super-optimistic, bubbly character I had become so accustomed to being...it was like I was the best part of everything I liked being. Where did I go? And how did I end up so sullen all over again?
And then I realize; I'm not sullen. I just don't care!
I love my friends- I don't need to have so many people around me that I can't have a coherent conversation!
I love live music- I don't need someone else by my side to immerse myself in the beauty and fire that comes from a live performance!
I love the theatre- I don't need someone to buy my ticket in order to laugh and cry and indulge myself in the lost art of good acting and a rigorous imagination.
I love art- I love getting to look at something that someone else has cared and nurtured so much and then stopping and considering all the thought that must have gone into their work.
I love being active- the best part of a hike or snowboarding or working out are those silent moments of clarity when there is no chatter noise or distraction, but simply peace and appreciation for the strength and health of a body that works and of the expansive nature and cool air of the wilderness.
I don't want to convince anyone else that what I like is good. I don't need to explain why something is enjoyable or deep or interesting. I don't need to feel justified for being who I am or doing what I like. I just don't care. I like who I've become, and it just doesn't matter if anyone else does- because the best thing about realizing you don't care is knowing that you do.

Go ahead. Tell us one thing you did this week that you were totally loving when it didn't even matter what anyone else might have thought. Maybe you'll find out someone else doesn't care if they get to appreciate it with you.

Don't Touch the Unicorn!

Why is it my new ward makes me feel like I have a giant unicorn horn attached to my forehead? The reaction to a happy 31 year old single woman seems to one of quizzical awe or audacity and fear.
"ooohhh...so unusual!"
or-
"DON'T TOUCH THE UNICORN!"

Seriously. It's like being single makes us some kind of exotic, bizarre commodity to trot out and sell tickets for or lead in a parade, OR...you're exotic, bizarre and they don't quite know what to make of you so they keep a safe distance and suggest forms of fencing.

You're either outlandish and a danger to society or some kind of oddity not to be trusted. Where this impression comes from, I'm not quite sure, since it could be a number of things.
1) Maybe you're "too old" to be single and should have been reproductive by this point in life.
2) Maybe you don't consider yourself "too old," and are having a pretty great time with no regrets. (Shocking. The audacity.)
3) Maybe you're too cute/fun/youthful to be single. (Because only fat, ugly ogres who never leave the house are still single, right?)
In addition to all this, my candor and "joi de vive" has been embraced by others with such gusto that I have been asked to represent the underrepresented. The single women who are tired of being represented as "single women," who require fixing and who want to be recognized as whole individuals taking part in a community think that I need to run some sort of "Hilary for president" campaign and demonstrate how okay it is to be "over the hill and spunky." Like one of those red dress & purple hat sisters in their 60s.

To be honest, I don't want to be either. I am tired of taking one for the team. I am tired of being the example. I am tired of serving my time as "the older girl who's still cool." Even hearing myself say such things, I think, "That's ridiculous! We ALL serve and we all make sacrifices! Don't be so selfish. Think of Sheri Dew." Unfortunately, that was what I was most looking forward to as being part of a family ward. Selfishness. No required socializing and lingering longer. No micromanaged social life. My time would be mine and the Lord's alone. I could go for the sacramental renewal of my covenants and gained spiritual enlightenment and then just go home. If I wanted FHE, I'd have a family. If I wanted a date night, I'd date someone. I don't even really want more women friends anymore and girl night is SO over for me. And I really don't want to be told what to do or where to spend my time; especially when the options are (ironically) completely self-indulgent. "Let's play games!" "Let's have a party!" "Let's blow things up in a microwave!" Sorry, kids. I'm not a kid anymore. And I don't want to be treated like one. I'm a bad-attitude Betty now, and I don't even care. I am not going to allow the church culture to become my automatic default for who I hang out with and I don't want the activities I participate in to be dictated by a schedule designed around frivolous games with people other people think I should click with simply because we are peers. If I participate in an activity, I'd like to make a contribution. I'd like to serve my fellow man. Maybe part of our dissatisfaction with "singles wards" is that the cultural socialization expects to make us be just too damned selfish!

Everything revolves around socializing...but haven't we learned that true happiness comes not from temporary thrills, but a deep commitment to serving others? Isn't the best way to foster a relationship with God to take time to read and study His words and then take time to ponder and wait for an answer? That we only learn the true nature of God through these steps, and that it is this way which we learn and develop our personal relationship with the Lord? Why do we think human (read: romantic) relationships would be any different? Which begs the question: Why are we filling our time with busy-ness and not allowing enough time for stepping back, going out, and genuinely attempting to learn more about each other one-on-one?

For once in my life, I have no solution here. For once in my life, I feel entirely selfish and irritable. I am no unicorn. I am a grizzly. And if one more of your sticky handed children reaches out to touch me, or if you dare to reach your curious little paw too close, I am liable to bite it off and then turn and saunter off in another direction, flattening forests on my way out.
sigh.
Any suggestion for solutions? I want a serious attitude adjustment. For the safety of others. Because I am increasingly uncomfortable being the unicorn. And my money says, so are you.