Thursday, May 1, 2008

Discomfort #32.

This weekend, I experienced a plethora of discomforting situations. And I am rarely uncomfortable. Whether it's that these men are just socially inept or possibly don't get much exposure to women or (most likely) they view their social settings as an excuse to treat every woman as a potential conquest, I'm not certain. Hence the utter lack of focus and concentration on any single one of us.
Further examples of behavior designed to impress women with awkward behaviour:

Example #32: Talk to her, but spend the entire time looking over her shoulder at anyone else who may be possibly passing by while you do it. That way, you look like you're entertaining and charming and popular to everyone else, except the person you're talking to. Women love that.
Example #45: Turn to the girl next to you and ask, "So, what's your story?" during the sacrament as though you are in a singles bar. Do inappropriately intimate things like touch her jewelry, rearrange her shoes, touch her dress or lean up against her during the hymns. She will inevitably find you charming and feel strangely familiar with you by the end of the first hour of church. You charming bastard.
Example #27: Don't ask her for her number. Don't even ask her name. Just wait until you can interrupt a conversation she's in and demand that she put YOUR name and number in her phone and then tell her that she will be attending XYZ events with you. Then just sit back and wait for her to call!

Remember, Blogg is a setting of safety and we are all here to help one another. If you have any other suggestions for making someone you just met unpleasantly uncomfortable, please feel free to add examples so that the good people in our social circles may demonstrate the proper behavior.


brent said...

I am a huge fan of the truth method as described in your previous post. Calling people on their crap has all the marks of uncomfortableness ready for you to exploit.

You may not feel like undertaking what is undoubtedly a herculean task, but some of these idiots either don't know any better or are in need of an attitude adjustment. This is where you come in.

You could have a one-on-one mini seminar wherein you explain how such behaviors like not paying attention to you while conversing, or demanding an entry in your contact list are prime expressions of douchebaggery and shall not be tolerated.

You could be like the "Hitch" of the Socal singles scene!

Rudie can't fail said...

@#45: A sacrament meeting froterer? I'd expect that in a Tokyo subway, or maybe at a Van Halen concert, but not in sacrament meeting. Just turn to the guy and tell him that the behavior he is exhibiting is an early indicator of sexual deviancy. That'll make it stop.

The Dally Llama said...

Wow. With one brief post, I feel like you have utterly decimated any shred of game I might have had. Ouch.

All that stuff really happened to you in one weekend? Really? I've been around some real weird folks in my day, but I don't think I've seen that many bizarre-o things like that on the same weekend. Much less have that many weird things ever happened to me in that short of a time. I have a word for weekends like that: AWESOME.

But on a serious note, am I alone in feeling like I should get at least a little slack on the wandering eyes thing? I have an extremely difficult time not looking around when I'm in a situation with lots of things going on, esp. when it involves girls who are dressed to get attention. I know it's bad form to be looking around when I'm talking to someone, but sometimes it requires focusing almost all of my conscious energy to avoid looking around. I've even acknowledged it in conversation before and apologized. I figure why not; it's not like she doesn't notice me doing it. It's not always that easy to stop doing though.

How's this one for awkward? One of my favorite awkward dudes to watch is this guy I know who routinely eats his boogers in public(yes, he really does. I've seen him do it hundreds of times now. He does grosser things than that in public too, but I'll spare you the description b/c they truly go beyond the pale), and doesn't really hit on the ladies so much as he just stands in close proximity, kind of in their blind spot, without really saying anything until he laughs uncomfortably loud at just about anything they say, whether it's funny or not. Then he just kind of follows his paramour du jour around for a while before disengaging. Again, he doesn't really say anything b/c the only things he knows how to talk about are chemistry (not the inter-personal kind, either) and the MLS sytem. It's pretty painful/awesome to watch.

Missa said...

example #55 While speed dating don't talk to the girl across from you but look around the room at every other girl and then when the girl you are with asks "sorry you're stuck here with me for 2 looonnnggg minuets...who do you see over there that you'd rather be with?" just laugh kinda creepily but keep doing it. It makes women hot.

Jillian said...

That's the beauty of a youth conference for 30-somethings. Endless fodder.

I wavered back and forth between pointing out how annoying the wandering eyes were during conversations, to just plain walking away from people who were obviously using me as filler.

That is honestly one of the top things that peeve my pet.

caroline said...

let's co-author a book of creepy/weird things that happen to us.

f*bomb. said...

Yes- the "Single's Conference" leant me more fodder than I ever could have dreamed for...unfortunately I did not bring my pen and notebook to detail every event. And I'm also 87% certain that I'll get strung up and hung to dry if I go into half of what was most amusing.

This is merely the tip on an iceberg. An iceburg that could shred the Titanic all over again.

f*bomb. said...

Also- I think there can be a fine line between funny and mean or funny and true or funny and negative.

I usually just like to stick with "funny and true." It's safest.

dick said...

perhaps people act awkward around you because you make them feel uncomfortable?

Salt H2O said...

I think you may be on to something...self assurred, driven, open,attractive, honest, outgoing women usually do make most LDS men squirm.

Farrah this is off-topic but you reminded me of something that drives me INSANE- couples that cuddle during sacrament meeting. yuck!

dick said...

That's not what I meant.

f*bomb. said...

Dick. You are so right. I totally asked to have my shoes, wrist, and skirt fondled by a total stranger as I was partaking of the sacrament. And I just loooove to belittle people and make them feel awkward every time we meet, which is why they continue to approach me and use me to look occupied- it's because they just hate being with me and know I'll treat them maliciously.

And, Dick, when someone repeatedly refuses to look you in the eye when they're speaking, at some point you are allowed to cut your losses and accept that they aren't interested in talking to you. Because the people who DO care who ARE your friends will make the effort to be in your life- whether or not it's convenient.

f*bomb. said...

If I ever have the opportunity to cuddle with someone during church, you had better believe there will be tongue involved.
Get used to it.

The Dally Llama said...

I knew a couple who would literally dance together in between meetings at church while they were dating. They'd be off in a corner of our make-shift chapel doing the waltz, or some ballroom dance step (not the lambada, thankfully). No music. Just dancing. It was painfully awkward to watch, but awesome, all in the same moment. Not surprisingly, I could never look away b/c it was so funny.

It was really weird though b/c they are both very grounded, down-to-earth people otherwise. But when they were dating, they were about as twitterpated as I've ever seen a couple.

They got married, and fortunately the honeymoon ended quite a while ago. Sure was funny to watch while it lasted though.

-Now that I think about it, I can't believe I didn't think to go dance awkwardly with them, or ask to cut in or something. CRAP! That would have been hilarious. Missed opportunities. Story of my life...

pete said...

Man, I'm glad I'm married...