Tuesday, April 29, 2008


Sometimes I feel like I was injected with truth serum. Only it's not so much an injection, but it's that I have it running through my veins. Honesty. Just. Flows. And it's not verbal diarrhea; I don't have a need to talk about nothing for no reason constantly. It's just that when someone asks me a question, I give them an answer. An honest, straightforward answer with no thought of cushioning or softening the edges or disguising my opinion to something they might prefer. Just. Plain. Truth.

I am at an event where a guy I've met several times approaches me. He's nice, attractive, fun; but even though he got my number months ago, he's never called or talked to me outside of incidentally bumping into me at random parties, and even then, the conversation must remain shallow, since he needs to focus on looking at any other girl who may be passing by. I run into him again and he asks me about a girl I don't know.

He: So, what do you know about her? Do you think you could hook me up?
Me: Well, I don't know her, so...no.
He: But she lives by you! You know everyone!
Me: uhhh...actually I don't, and as I said, I don't know her. I may have seen her before, but I certainly don't know her well enough to set her up with someone. Nor do I know you well enough to set you up with someone. Particularly someone I've never met.
He: Well. Hey- why don't you call me and let me know when there are parties happening!
Me: um...No, thanks.
He: Why not? Do you even have my number?
Me: No.
He: Well...don't you want to get it?
Me: Not really.
He: ?!?!
Me: Well, realistically, if there's something happening down the street from me, it probably wouldn't naturally occur to me that I should call you, since we really never talk or hang out anyway. It's not really high on my list of things to do; call people who don't live by me or don't talk to much to invite them to a party I probably won't stay at for longer than 45 minutes. But you're welcome to call me anytime if you want to hang out with me, or if you want to head over to my area, I can tell you what's going on that night. And if there's nothing going on, but you want to head over, we can always make something happen.
He: uhhh...but don't you want to get my number so you can call me?
Me: Well, I probably won't. I mean, I'm totally open to making something happen if you want to call me, but I can't honestly say that I would think to call you if something random were happening up the street from me. But you're always welcome to call anytime.

I'm being realistic here. Who has time to create activities to occupy or entertain someone they barely know who has made next to zero effort in becoming a friend or acquaintance of any kind? I mean, at this point, is there really anything more that can be said? Here is someone who clearly has no interest in hanging out with me, beyond using me to look busy during a party so he can check out other girls; and is thereby someone who has made it clear he wants association with me purely for his own benefit, giving nothing in return with no suggestion of friendship or a reciprocal relationship at any level.

Walking away from that conversation, I realize that I could appear to be rude. But isn't it poor etiquette to approach someone merely to use them? And wouldn't it be more inconsiderate, ultimately, to promise or feign the intention to call when I already know that I won't? Say what you say, but if you ask me, I'd rather be honest in my dealings at all times. Even if it may temporarily bruise an ego that (let's be frank here), really had no concern for my own.

Usually I attribute such behavior to the East Coast in me. (East Siders, feel free to disagree.) It appears common habit to the West to say such things as,
"Call me!"
"I'll call you!"
"We'll do lunch!"
"We have to hang out!"
"O! I love you! You're the BEST!"
or something along those lines.

The reality? You usually just see them again by accident. Eventually it will get awkward or frustrating because you never know if they're just gladhanding you to feel good about themselves or to make you feel falsely good about yourself. And eventually, you never really know if that person is trustworthy, dependable, or a real friend after all.

Where I'm from, you don't say things you don't mean, and you don't make promises or suggest actions you don't intend on following through with. You will always know where I stand, and if you ask my opinion, you will get an honest answer. Like it or not, you will always know that what I've said is true. If you choose to, you can always know exactly where you stand. When I get your number, it's because I intend to call. When I say I will be somewhere or do something, it's because I have set aside time so that I may do so. And when I say, "I love you," it's only because I really, truly, honestly mean it.

And isn't that worth risking the reputation of being rude?

So can you kick it? Yes. You can.


Salt H2O said...

You are awesome. I love that you called him on it. I think if more guys were called on their crap they'd step up their game.

When a guy would ask me for my number I'd always straight up say 'no'- which was confusing for them because usually I had been flirting with them for a while. When they'd ask why my response was, "I'll give you my number, you won't call me and then next time I run into you at a random party there'll be wierdness between us. I'd rather have you as my random party friend than that jerk that hit on me, asked for my number and never called."

f*bomb. said...

Well, no- he wasn't hitting on me (he did back when he first got my number, but that's forgotten and over with). I really WOULD have been open to entertaining him as a friend if that were his intention- FRIENDSHIP. But for him to expect me to fall all over myself so I can entertain him when he has no intention of ever being there for ME- friend or otherwise? uhh...as appealing as that sounds, I'm gonna have to go with "NO."

k8 said...

people can be so tactless. i once spend two and half hours of church talking to a boy who i kinda (and i think justifiably) thought was flirting with me. the conversation ended rather abruptlyl when he asked me about a girl in the ward and whether she was single and he should get her number. I wish I had a snappy comeback that day but i was just so stunned.

f*bomb. said...

Well- I wasn't going for a snappy comeback, and I certainly wasn't thinking he was interested in me-
Mostly I just didn't see the point of lying and acting like I appreciated the way he treated me- like a passkey to some kind of nightclub. And the fact that he acted shocked and/or offended? Well...I'm not that sorry. If anything, you'd think he'd appreciate my honesty in not wasting his time. Right?

k wallace said...

hey -- honesty is a good thing. i like that you are spittin it real. i haven't ever been so good at disgising how i feel and it's recently leaked to the work place. but i wouldn't advise that.