Sunday, May 30, 2010

It's Gonna Be a Great Day.

All drug commercials should be like this.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Are Appearances Really THAT Deceiving?

You shouldn't judge a book by it's cover...
But what if that cover is in a too-tight, Ed Hardy-style thermal with large turquoise jewelery that says, "I'm a man, but I think this nod to Native American accessories makes me artistic." Does this mean you should maybe not be willing to give him a chance? If someone's exterior message says, "I'm a dirtbag" because I wear too much hair gel and spray tan and use pick up lines like, "You must work out a lot...I do, too," does that mean that the interior isn't worth getting to know?

When women have the compulsion to show too much cleavage or paint on faces born at the MAC counter or even if they dress like they fell out of their grandmother's closet, this doesn't seem to stand in the way of my reaching out to them or getting to know the interior. So why the double standard with the outward appearance of man? Are appearances really deceiving, or are those book covers there to simply tell us what's lurking just beneath the surface? I just loathe the idea of saying, "if only you changed (name superfluous item for makeover)." Is the mere noting of shallow thoughts equivocal to actually being shallow? It seems almost like a reversed prejudice- that it would be wrong to judge someone who's cover reads, "shy, awkward and dorky" but absolutely acceptable to shun the cover that reads, "self-involved, superficial dirtbag."
I'm just wondering, because if I'm gonna overcome my prejudices it's probably about time I call him back by now... But acceptance can be a slippery slope; because then there's the fear that THIS isn't far behind...

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Taking This Show on The Road.

It's my Plan B, and maybe it should move up to Plan A. If it does, it will look something like this:

Everything about this is so very, very right.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Two Bad Ideas Make One-

Two people.
One I never want to see.
One I never thought I'd see again.

One song.
Apparently they are collaborating and he just can't get enough Ga-Ga.
But the world is full of bad ideas; maybe I'm just being close-minded. Maybe not everything Lady Gaga is such a bad idea...You tell me.

Monday, May 10, 2010

The Interception.

One time I heard Steve Young (some football guy) speak. Well- I guess I've heard him speak an inordinate amount for being completely uninterested in football. In any case, ONE of these times, as I floated in and out of consciousness during his endless football stories (not even analogies- just stories!), he talked about this awful day of playing and then suddenly he thought he had it all together and then, "Wham! Interception." I alerted with a start and applauded. My friend turned to me and said, "No, Farrah. An interception is a BAD thing." Man. Not only was this a hella crappy story about a crap day, but that term, "interception," didn't make any sense as a negative whatsoever. If you throw a ball and someone catches it, that sounds like a GOOD thing to me. But now, over ten years later, I think I'm beginning to understand.

I've become accustomed to considering other women my ally. The assumption comes automatically- I like women and I value sisterhood; with that, there's an intrinsic trust I hold to other women- deserved or not, I assume we are on friendly terms and on the same side- the same team, if you will. But now I realize, some women may not necessarily play for the other team, but they can go rogue and play for themselves.

Recently I had an interesting string of conversations with a respected male friend about the pettiness of women. The leap women will take in calling one another "bitches," "ho's" and "sluts." I'm going to stop here and offer some recommended reading.

They were well interpreted for entertainment value in Tina Fey's comedy, "Mean Girls," but you probably already knew that. While there's much discussion we could have at this point, I'm going to focus this post on only one moment: The Interception.

Recently at a party, I noticed a guy shadowing me around a bit. Eventually I worked up the nerve to turn around and introduce myself and as we were beginning to hit it off, another girl, a stranger, walked directly in-between us and suggested I talk to another man.
I only wish I were making this up.
Here's the real conversation:
Me: O, yes! So you must be the guy (my girl friend) was telling me about! Is this your house?
He: No- I don't live here, but yeah! I was inviting-
tall girl walks between us and interjects-
She: This is where (some other dude) lives.
Me: (slightly startled)
She: You should go talk to him. He's that Asian guy over there. Good looking. Single.
Me: (uncomfortable laugh with a friendly nudge) Aren't we all?
She did NOT reciprocate the gesture OR find me funny. OR move from her stance between us. So I turned and left.

In any case, while I was in the middle of a conversation with someone who was clearly also in the middle of a conversation with me as well, this particular girl found it totally appropriate to physically step in-between us and literally tell me to go and talk to someone else. Perhaps it was my weak point to have turned and left, or perhaps it was his to not call her out. I am hesitant to pass judgment on either of our etiquette in response, considering we were at a party and had only been talking for several minutes. And that's what's even stranger to me; it was only a conversation. It was simply being friendly and doing what normal social behaviour would dictate: make an introduction, find mutual connections, explore a social connection- all basic interactions one should expect at a social event. I generally like to explain conversation like throwing a ball. You are responsible to throw first- the faster you can throw to your partner, the less you have to think about yourself- you are focusing on getting the ball into your partner's hands. Doing this helps to relieve yourself of the pressure of thinking of what to say next- as soon as you release that ball and hand it off to your partner, the ball is in their court and you are free to enjoy listening to their response until they choose to either 1) throw the ball back or 2) hold onto and dominate the ball for themselves 3) drop your ball and walk off the court. What startles me is how common a third party feels comfortable in walking in and taking the ball with them as they go. An interception. A negative interception!

I'm not sure of a solution to this kind of play, but perhaps this experience can be a call to greater awareness for all of us. Interceptions do happen. They are intentional. If it happens to you, supersede smoothly it by refocusing on the partner you came to play ball with. And if you're the one intercepting, I'll tell you now; you're rude. And yeah- I'll probably call you a bitch. And you'll totally deserve it.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Dear Elizabeth Hasselbeck:

Shut the hell up.
Just. Stop. Talking.
Apparently the plastic "representative" of a conservative, white-bread mom demographic from "The View" thought it would be funny to "joke" about a sexual predator who spied on a Dancing with the Stars contestant in her hotel room, saying that if only he had waited a few weeks, he would've seen the same thing "without the jail time."
O, tee-hee-hee, Miss Priss! You are funny. SO DAMN FUNNY. Because isn't it hilarious when women are stalked by perverts and sent death threats? Isn't that just so f*ing HILARIOUS?!? Frankly, I'm a little shocked that someone IN the entertainment industry doesn't know that- just like the ridiculous outfits used in ice-skating, it is the standard for ballroom dance costumes to be flashy, revealing and bright. As a friend from the world reknown BYU Ballroom Dance Company once explained to me, the more attention you can get from your costume, the more likely the judges are to notice you and watch you rather than your opponents. The men's costumes are much the same. A lot of skin. A lot of sequins. It's pretty standard.
This explanation is coming from a student at one of the most conservative schools in America. If that 19 year old BYU student can understand the pageantry and performance of ballroom dance and a paid television personality can't?!?

Furthermore, AS a public persona, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, you should know a few things about survivors of sexual abuse. It's not their fault. I'll say it again, to make sure this gets through your bleached out thick-ass, self-righteous head: IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT. When someone is abused, raped, stalked, preyed upon- it is is not because they were out after dark; it is not because they were wearing a skirt; it was not because they chose to get undressed in their hotel room; it is because the perpetrator is sick. The perpetrator is one who chose to prey upon, exploit and abuse another human being. That criminal commits these acts because there is an underlying disrespect for human life which allows for selfish acts that hurt others. By assuming that abuse is linked to, say, what a woman is wearing (on a televised dance show, by the way) not only perpetuates the myth that a woman would have any control over a sex-criminal's actions and therefore, she must've been asking for it, but it sends an equally harmful message to others: if you do everything right, these bad things won't happen to you.
Take just one minute to think about how damaging and inaccurate that message is.

I'm disgusted by the blatant display of ignorance you've chosen to show us, Elizabeth Hasselbeck. I'm shocked at the crude manner in which you find humor at someone else's humiliation and fear. And I'm horrified that you actually think that by wearing a dress with "all this fabric" somehow makes you better, safer or more deserving of respect and boundaries than any other woman.

You're an idiot.
Please refrain from speaking.


Cute, spunky thirty-something works in floral shop, surrounded by other people's romance, but with no one of her own!
My life is a romantic comedy.I started my morning with this video.
I've been asked to attend the LA and surrounding bridal events to do "research." I've also been asked to go "under-cover" as a bride to investigate wedding-related services (per my employer). They even have a cubic zirconia picked out for me and a fake bio to share. FOR MY JOB. And no, I am not an investigative reporter.

THIS IS MY REAL LIFE, PEOPLE. Forget that I'm not actually in a relationship; as far as the dates I've been on recently, I haven't even told you the part about my marathon date with the guy who turned out to be kind of anti-Semetic. Yeah. You can't make this stuff up. And everywhere I look they've got another billboard of diva/hottie/megastar Julia Roberts/Jennifer Lopez/Cameron Diaz looking sad, alone and cloaking their desperation for matrimony with a high-powered, executive career.
The next time I see J-Lo looking sad and alone with a tray of tv dinners, all the profanity in my heart is going to come spewing right on out. No holds barred. Just because she's on screen might make her an actress, but it doesn't make her a GOOD actress and it certainly doesn't make her acting good enough to pull off 30-something, alone and sad about it. And no, I'm not buying that she's adorable because she bumbles around like an idiot (really? What high-powered executive- male OR female- is THAT socially/neurologically deficient?!?) O wait...I get it- it's supposed to make those glamazons more "relatable" and "endearing." I'm not buying it. Now, Renee Zellweger 52lbs overweight with splotchy skin in "Bridget Jones"? Sure. Sandra Bullock in sweats and no makeup for the entire run of "While You Were Sleeping"? Okay. Drew Barrymore looking homely and continuing to BE homely even AFTER her popularity makeover in "Never Been Kissed"? SOLD. Those performances WORK because these women owned up to their character's deficits and REVELED in them. Which is why we fall in love with them and perhaps explains how, in an alternate universe of movieland, their leading men see through their exterior plainness and into what makes them shine. Let's look past the message that they are single and alone BECAUSE they are dowdy...because (clearly), this is not always the case.

Every time I have to share one of my true-life stories with friends, Caroline reminds me that my life really IS exactly like a romantic comedy (cliche's and all)- they just haven't cast my leading man yet. But if it requires that he break off his five year engagement to go flitting after my lost mitten when I live in Los Angeles, so help me!, I will probably hit him upside the head and tell him to go back to the woman he's already committed half a decade to. I really would prefer that my happiness not be dependent upon wrecking someone else's home (another disgusting crux of most Rom-Coms). At least my conscious can be clear and I'll be just fine eating this frozen pizza on my own beside my imaginary cat, thank you.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Brownie Slut.

I'm KINDA shocked when I meet someone (especially a BYU alum) who is not familiar with the term, "Brownie Slut." These Brownie Sluts were so prevalent in my college years that I swore off baking the entire time there, just to ensure I was not confused with one. You've seen them; those girls who peddle baked goods, usually door-to-door, in order to meet and introduce themselves to local boys. The rationale (if you can call it such) is that, by providing a sweet treat, she too, would get a treat and be invited on a magical date to the temple or to 7 Peaks or something equally romantic and eventually be married by next semester. Being a Brownie Slut is like the gateway drug to being a pharmaceutical rep; provide treats and you will be remembered and revered. And hopefully position you well to marry a doctor! Totally clever plan, riiight?
While I have no objections to brownies proper, it is in the intent of the act which I find disheartening.

And now I must address the Sluts themselves:
Ladies- at what point did it seem like prostituting your skills out to men who have done NOTHING for you, seem like a good idea? Does it occur to you that maybe a man might value you more if you let HIM do something to get YOUR attention? So close your cupboards, ladies.*

*See? It's not just me. It's DOCTRINE now.