Thursday, May 6, 2010


Cute, spunky thirty-something works in floral shop, surrounded by other people's romance, but with no one of her own!
My life is a romantic comedy.I started my morning with this video.
I've been asked to attend the LA and surrounding bridal events to do "research." I've also been asked to go "under-cover" as a bride to investigate wedding-related services (per my employer). They even have a cubic zirconia picked out for me and a fake bio to share. FOR MY JOB. And no, I am not an investigative reporter.

THIS IS MY REAL LIFE, PEOPLE. Forget that I'm not actually in a relationship; as far as the dates I've been on recently, I haven't even told you the part about my marathon date with the guy who turned out to be kind of anti-Semetic. Yeah. You can't make this stuff up. And everywhere I look they've got another billboard of diva/hottie/megastar Julia Roberts/Jennifer Lopez/Cameron Diaz looking sad, alone and cloaking their desperation for matrimony with a high-powered, executive career.
The next time I see J-Lo looking sad and alone with a tray of tv dinners, all the profanity in my heart is going to come spewing right on out. No holds barred. Just because she's on screen might make her an actress, but it doesn't make her a GOOD actress and it certainly doesn't make her acting good enough to pull off 30-something, alone and sad about it. And no, I'm not buying that she's adorable because she bumbles around like an idiot (really? What high-powered executive- male OR female- is THAT socially/neurologically deficient?!?) O wait...I get it- it's supposed to make those glamazons more "relatable" and "endearing." I'm not buying it. Now, Renee Zellweger 52lbs overweight with splotchy skin in "Bridget Jones"? Sure. Sandra Bullock in sweats and no makeup for the entire run of "While You Were Sleeping"? Okay. Drew Barrymore looking homely and continuing to BE homely even AFTER her popularity makeover in "Never Been Kissed"? SOLD. Those performances WORK because these women owned up to their character's deficits and REVELED in them. Which is why we fall in love with them and perhaps explains how, in an alternate universe of movieland, their leading men see through their exterior plainness and into what makes them shine. Let's look past the message that they are single and alone BECAUSE they are dowdy...because (clearly), this is not always the case.

Every time I have to share one of my true-life stories with friends, Caroline reminds me that my life really IS exactly like a romantic comedy (cliche's and all)- they just haven't cast my leading man yet. But if it requires that he break off his five year engagement to go flitting after my lost mitten when I live in Los Angeles, so help me!, I will probably hit him upside the head and tell him to go back to the woman he's already committed half a decade to. I really would prefer that my happiness not be dependent upon wrecking someone else's home (another disgusting crux of most Rom-Coms). At least my conscious can be clear and I'll be just fine eating this frozen pizza on my own beside my imaginary cat, thank you.


Aubrey said...

Move over sister...and save a slice of pizza for me! I'm coming over to join you and your imaginary cat. No sense in sitting here all alone while we wait for our leading men to walk through the door.

f*bomb. said...

Exactly, Aubs. Assuming women are alone either because they are pathetic or because they are extremely successful merely as a side-project for not having a relationship is just another sad perpetuation of a myth that should have died out in the 60s.

When will Hollywood stop insulting over 50% of their audience?