Thursday, August 30, 2007
The other week I watched these amazing, talented, sexy, beautiful Polynesian women perform their traditional dances. At certain points, the audience was encouraged to approach the stage and tuck money into their dresses, to encourage and reward them for their dancing. No one moved. I grew embarrassed as their grandfather and other family members were the only ones to get into the spirit of the dance. Mind you, it was in a church- this was not dirty dancing- this was traditional Polynesian dancing. The whole family was involved...Including the grandmother!
So why are we so afraid of a little sensuality? Isn't it a pretty essential part of life (and, ps- the BEST part of being human, as well as- doctrinally, if you're LDS- essential to the gospel)?
My big kick lately has been that I'm "quitting life and moving to Australia!" The first reaction to that statement this afternoon was, "but aren't they pretty sexist over there?" To which I thought, "Yes. Yes, I have heard they are. But you know? I think we could do well with a little more sexism!" Not the abusive, condescending sexism, of course, but the don't-be-afraid-to-stand-up-and-be-a-man kind of attitude. Is it wrong for a man to admire a woman and appreciate her for being a woman? I mean, even if our good men of today were just ONE OUNCE more "sexist," perhaps they'd cowboy up a little bit more, be a little more brave, and a little more direct, and ask out the ladies just a little more often. In this Christian culture, I'm seeing a lot of traditionalist values and expectations in gender roles, but not a whole lot of action. EITHER KIND of action! I'm seeing women using men for one-night-stands and men ignoring women to hang with the boys. What the hell happened here? I'm so confused. And I'm a feminist!
So again, I ask you: What is so wrong with a little heterosexuality?
*But what do I know? I'm just a gay man.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
I just want everyone to know: I thought it would be funny to look up pictures of these Ukrainian brides to post with this story, but all the sites made me a little bit sad. And some of them resembled really, really poor child porn (if Sears did kiddie porn). So. No pictures here. And now I'm going to cry for these poor, sad, Ukrainian women.
But I'm closing the book on all of that. It's time I grow up and keep my crushing for the men who are actually giving me a good reason to like them, instead of wasting energy and time on boys who- bottom line- are never gonna do anything about it. I'm not saying I can control the flush (read: full body sweat) when someone I might crush on is near, but there will be no more of this idle chat about someone I'm not dating, there will be no laying down the red carpet for him, no more invitations to events or dinner parties. A crush will get NONE of this. All my efforts, attention, and excitement is hereby reserved for a man who is man enough to ACTUALLY ask me out. Once I have good reason to like him, because he first liked me, THEN, let the crushing begin!
Monday, August 27, 2007
"That guy's a douche."
"I hate that @hole."
"He's just not good enough for you."
Truth be told, I've had several of these comments thrown my way as a warning against men I've gone out with. Why did I continue to go out with him? Because I didn't SEE any of that bad behaviour. And it was mere speculation that he really was that evil of a person. So you think he's not good enough? Why? Because he doesn't fit YOUR criteria for what a man should be? He's a jerk? Why? Because things didn't work out when he dated a friend of yours? Since he didn't marry her, clearly he must be a mess for ALL women? Now that just doesn't seem fair. And it doesn't sound like an accurate assessment of character when you're the one having the experience of someone treating you perfectly well.
Of course, it turns out, all my friends were right. Every time I've had a friend warn me, that friend has been right. You'd think that by now I would listen. Why is it so hard for the message to get through? I'll tell you why. It's not like I'm a masochist. I've never (to my knowledge) been treated poorly by someone I've dated. Nor do I desire to be in a relationship with someone my friends dislike. But when someone makes a blanket judgement like, "he's an idiot," about the man I'm seeing who is, in my experience, nothing near an idiot, I take that kind of critique with a few grains of salt. What if my friend simply had a bad experience? Gossip is unreliable! People get reputations off of inaccurate information all the time! How unfair would that be to hold someone to past behaviour- especially if the details of such events is based on inaccuracy to begin with?!? You see the dilemma.
Here is my humble suggestion. Warn your friends when they are dating a sociopath/pervert/nitwit. But warn with specifics. Now, you know I abhor idle gossip and name-dropping with a passion. However, in a situation where someone is at risk, I say grab your bullhorn and sound the alert! Don't simply say, "That guy is not good enough for you." Say, "that guy has no respect for women because he systematically seduces them, sleeps with them, and then leaves them." Or, "he is a hypocrite because he is self-righteous and indignant here, but then goes on business trips and drinks and sleeps with women." Or, "he is the kind of person who uses people to get what he wants and then disposes of them and has no remorse or sense of morality." Okay. That gives me a more accurate perception of your reason for rejection. Otherwise, I'm thinking you don't like his resume, or he isn't good-looking enough, or lacks education, or that he wears the same pants 3 days in a row. That is quite a difference.
Remember, we believe in the Atonement. We believe in forgiveness. And when we're told something nasty about another person, we're left to wonder at what stage in repentance they're in, and how can one begin to judge another when we have a gospel built on the hope that we are all progressing and striving to improve with righteousness? At the same time, to judge wisely, we must recognize that patterns of the past indicate behaviour in the future.
Your friends want you to find a good relationship. They want you to be happy. They want you to be successful. If they criticize, trust me; is is not without a significant amount of humility and care for your well-being that they go out of their way to say something about it. So the next time your friend says, "I'm not impressed." You know to take what she says one step further. Ask why. Discover specifics. Understand where they're coming from. And be warned. If none of your friends like him, it's probably not just because he has a lame haircut.
Where we first fell in love:
You've come a long way, baby.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
The amazing thing about taboo language is that it really CAN hold power- if we let it. Last week I asked you about your use of "douche bag" verses "tool." Similar meanings in that a tool will take the parking space you've been waiting properly for; a douche will do it on purpose- just to piss you off. (Thanks, Matty.) The basic consensus is that a tool is a blunt instrument, worthless on it's own unless yielded with some skill by the one who possesses it. Dumb. Lame. But with no malintent. A douche- on the other hand (and this is graphic, so I apologize)- essentially a douche will get inside you, take you for all you've got, clean you out and expel himself when he's gotten what he wants, leaving you empty inside. Malicious. Cruel. And selfish.
I have a particular abhorrence for the latter term, as it is graphic and incredibly distasteful. But it is becoming more and more commonly used. And this worries me. If we use such strong language to describe someone who simply wears pooka-shell neclaces and visors, how will that word hold meaning when it is really necessary? It's much like the boy who cried wolf. If you've got something to say, be aware of the language you're using. It may seem acceptable. You might think it sounds edgy or cool. But in the end, the more you use it, the less of an effect it will have on your audience. And if your intention is to warn a friend from going out with a real douchebag, you'd better save it for the truly, horribly disgusting, self-centered pigs that (unfortunately) really DO exist.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
My phone finally disintegrated and as part necessity and sucking it up to continue with this year's theme: Class It UP- 2007; I have a fancy new phone. It keeps all kinds of information, but I need you to send me your full name, digits, email, address, and birthday. And anything else I might want to know.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
We got to celebrate a birthday with...well, we don't know the birthday girl, but I sure was excited for her...We took a few "High School Senior" pictures. Apparently, my date was captain of the football team. He's dreamy.
This picture was a lot funnier if you could see that HE is a cop and WE all climbed onto his 4-wheeler.
Margarita, Guadalupe, and Janet. BFF 4Evah!
Thursday, August 16, 2007
This is my favourite song from the film. But the entire soundtrack is all Cat and it's ALL good. It's about a young man who was given everything but has nothing to live for, and he meets an old woman who lives to value every living thing. It's a beautiful story.
I just don't remember this many car chases.
Other soundtracks worth having? DISH IT. You know how iPod and I love a good mix tape.
Due to compromised results, we are RESTARTING the voting process for Hunk O'The Month. I would like to inform the public that our Shamelessly Promoted Hunk O'The Months are men of INTEGRITY and their devotees have been truly inspired by their prescence. PLEASE CAST YOUR VOTE AGAIN. All prior votes have been erased.
Go ahead. Influence the vote. Give a speech. Lobby. Add details on what makes this month's nominee a man you're glad exists. For every good one we hear of, there has got to be more. We just need to let them know it's okay to come out and play...
Each of my extended family members has either been in a long-term, committed relationship, usually resolving in marriage when his girlfriend threatens to break up with him and the Walker in question will simply shrug and say, "okay. Let's get married."
PS- All Other Walkers are male.
As the only female Walker in the family, somehow, I've missed this pattern. I am always either not dating anyone OR breaking out in hives and ditching someone on the roster for expecting me to be exclusive after 2 dates. The cruel irony is that I am the only one immersed in a religious culture that prioritizes marriage and family.
So there you have it. I am from a family of chronic monogamists and, apparently, monogamy is determined by the male. So why must it be such a shock that I don't gravitate toward committed relationships? What's the point, if, ultimately, HE is the one who will have to sit down, focus, and make our relationship move forward? Am I weaseling out of responsibility if I expect a call to commitment to rest on the shoulders of the man I'm dating, or is that simply going easy on him until he's ready to man up and make it happen? Likewise, is a man likely to do so if he knows the woman he's with is okay with continuing dating other men until HE stands up and demands otherwise?
My last major relationship was pretty open. As in, I dated other people and he knew about it, and he went out with someone else when I was otherwise occupied. Despite this, he was really the only one I deeply connected with, and (despite other dates discouraging me from dating him), he was actually the only one I really wanted to ever be with. But I continued going out with other people that I DID find attractive and interesting, since mi Primaro had simply not yet asked me for an exclusive relationship. And while I was certainly not interested in kissing anyone else, I did not find objection to the possibility he might be doing so. When my girlfriends referred to him as my "boyfriend," I was quick to correct them. He was someone I was dating and that I liked very much; but he was not my boyfriend. We were together almost every night and talked every day, but we were not mutually exclusive. I did not want to be assumptive about his level of commitment, since we had not formally discussed the fact I was continuing to go out with other people, and (while I could tell he found it somewhat inconvenient), he never objected to it.
An acquaintance later related that he only kissed girls if he was playing "for keeps." He continued that any man who would kiss me without expecting an exclusive relationship of me was an idiot and not to be trusted. (Both these items turned out to be true, but that's beside the point.) At the time, I was rather shocked. I've certainly never subscribed that kissing is meaningless, but I've also never expected that it means EVERYTHING, either. At what point can monogamy become assumptive? Can it ever be assumed? A friend (male) said today that, "I don't care if you've had the discussion or not- if you're seeing someone almost every day and you're kissing, and dating on a regular basis, that is your boyfriend/girlfriend. People need to quit making such a big deal of it." I have to agree. By subscribing such a weighty expectation to the title, "boyfriend," we expect absolute monogamy. In which case, all that's missing is the ring! Right?
I'm not sure if I'm advocating monogamy and commitment or borderline philandering...All I know is that so many people are complaining about not dating enough- men AND women- and I'm just tired of it. Maybe if commitment wasn't such a big deal, we'd be more open to doing all the things that preceded it. And if we could all recognize that dating was simply a process of focusing on one person at a time in order to get to know them better, instead of expecting that dating is the only step preceding Terminal Commitment, I think we'd all be getting more of what we want. Both sides of the fence would be appeased. We'd all be dating more, feel better appreciated and acknowledged because we have someone willing to spend a decent hour or two focused solely on us, and from that, we could determine which dates had better chemistry and shared a deeper connection. Those of you who are serial monogamists- do you find this an acceptable meeting place? A middle ground, where you could find patience with those of us who aren't quite so eager to seal the deal until we have a few damn good reasons to? Or are you just rolling your eyes at me again, getting ready to point the finger and accuse me once again of being non-committal?
* PS- For the record, I misspelled "monogamy" every. single. time. in this original draft. The irony is not lost on me.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
I don't feel bad when a social scene does not procure anyone date-worthy:
There were times (many times) when a guy I'd meet would come home, we'd talk for hours, and then he'd ask out my cute roommate. We'd continue to have amazing conversations each time he'd come over to pick her up, as she'd run 1 1/2 hours late, applying more makeup and chattering about her latest hair products and celebrity gossip. At first I'd wonder, "Why? Why is he dating her, when he clearly has so much in common with me?" And almost immediately after, I'd realize that he was no longer attractive to me. I didn't want him! I realized that I didn't want someone who would be interested in a girl whose primary attractant is her appearance. Why? Because I'm just not that kind of girl! And with great zeal and joy, I could stand up and say, "Another one bites the dust. NEXT!"
Empowerment comes from perspective; recognizing that someone who doesn't appreciate or value you for the qualities you are striving most to achieve (whether that be emotional maturity, or humor, intelligence, commitment to the gospel, your career path, or your ability to look good in a swimsuit) it is YOUR right to decide what is most precious to you. And more power to you! Instead of comparing yourselves to one another, if you can learn to recognize and appreciate the gifts you do have, develop yourselves in the areas you value most, and then seek out partners who are doing the same, you will find someone who isn't willing to settle either; you will find an individual who sees your worth for all the effort and achievements you strive so hard to fulfill.
Of course, this can backfire if you don't have an accurate vision of Who You Really Are. Too often I meet men who are great achievers with amazing educations, drive, and careers; but they are puzzled when women aren't falling all over themselves to get a piece. Well...Could it be that, while you may be offering a lot in the way of financial security, you haven't really made a connection with her on a deeper level? Have you considered that maybe she doesn't care what kind of car you drive, or what brand of clothing you wear, as much as she wants to be with someone who understands her or makes her laugh?
I have a dear friend who consistently dates crazy bitches (there really is no other term). He is one of the sweetest, nicest, o-so-smart, driven, accomplished and genuinely kind and generous people I know. But he gets treated like crap. Why? WHY??? I submit that it's because he has become Mr. Resume Guy. He has worked really hard to set himself up for a very particular type of lifestyle. He drives a certain type of car and wears a certain type of clothing to attract that certain type of woman. And that woman cares more about the image than she does about the man inside. Here's the crazy part; he really is SO MUCH MORE than a nice car and good job. He really is GENUINELY good and kind and thoughtful and sweet. Unfortunately, what he values (mostly, I suspect, because he thinks this is what women value) is his ability to provide. And not simply "provide," but douse her with upscale restaurants, drowning in car payments and the expensive lifestyle of keeping up with the Jones'.
Likewise, I hear women bemoan, "I'm attractive, and fit, and stylish, but for some reason, he's dating HER! I don't get it!" Well- there could be a multitude of reasons; but my question for you is- is that what you WANT to be valued for? It's a swinging door, folks. You say you want to be valued for who you are, but you expend so much energy in your outward image that it will likely attract someone only interested in the exterior. Instead of blaming men for making you feel the need to compete and be g-l-a-m-o-u-r-o-u-s...why not give the finger to the culture of the superficial and simply BE? I'm not saying anyone has to stop twirling their eyelashes or start wearing potato sacks, but I am saying that there should be no regrets in letting go the idea of Mr Wonderful when he clearly didn't know you well enough to value your amazing personality, spiritual insight, and sense of humor. It's nothing personal; he simply does not share your values! Now where is the insult in that?
The bottom line is: if someone doesn't appreciate you for who you are, they didn't know you very well. And if someone has spent a lot of time getting to know you, and still can't figure out how truly fabulous you really are, LET IT GO. Go on with your bad self and know this: the better you know yourself- your TRUE self- and the more honest you can be about what you value, the more likely you are to find someone who likewise shares your values. And isn't that the true reward? Being a whole person with another whole person who likes you for who you are. Now THAT would be a numbers game worth playing.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
You might be right.
And guess who is soooo excited to re-live her Senior prom? And maybe it's because I ditched out on Prom to watch Pretty in Pink with my gay friends that it is such a sweet, sweet memory. And while that night, there were unamimous outbursts of, "BLAINE!!!" let there be no doubt that, in my heart of hearts, I was always a Duckie girl.
Don't forget to add your nominee! Anyone qualifies- as long as you tell us why he deserves to get mad props on Blogg.
Time to honour the men in our lives who are doing something right. To pay homage to the men we know and admire, who have our respect and our hearts, and who we appreciate and value (even if we maybe aren't kissing on them). Since you may nominate anyone you like from any region you like, you will need to justify your nomination with WHY you want us to elect YOUR man as Hunk O'The Month. We will vote according to your description of the nominee. While I don't want to taint the pool with anything preferential, I do want to illustrate some examples of what you may want to consider in your nomination for August's Hunk O'The Month:
Intelligence. This is Chaz...AFTER he trounced Jeopardy's Ken Jennings early in the game. Who's the best LDS smartypants NOW, Ken? hmmmm? Didn't see a mention of Chaz on your blog, or your self-congratulatory cellie commercials now, have we?
Another quality we may want to look for: Loyalty. Friendship. A good joke. It's just a suggestion. And while personal grooming may be a factor, I don't think anyone can front on a man who can get Mel Gibson to do what he wants AND teach Tom Hanks a thing or two about culture!
Finally: A sweet spirit. Here is an example of how to keep your friends on the straight and narrow. PSAs are so hot right now.
Thanks for making yourself available to your public, Chaz. We adore you.
Please add your nominations in the Opinions! section. We don't need to know the guy (we're all from diffrent areas, after all), so to introduce us to him, just note the reasons WHY we should vote for YOUR Hunk O'The Month. There are waaay too many complaints about men, but I KNOW we know tons of great guys (we're just not dating any of them). But their existence gives me hope, and their goodness reminds me to have continued hope in mankind. There ARE good guys out there- we just need to take the time to acknowledge that they're there. SO: Let us know how great the men you DO know are! The individuals with the most shout-outs on Blogg will be nominated for August's Hunk O'The Month; when elected, said Hunk will be fawned over, adored, and generally worshipped and respected by the populous.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
I'm sick of it.
This is not to say that such ogres of society don't exist. It is not to say that I don't feel your pain. You know I am hardly free of the plague myself...but here is my point:
We are not helping anyone, OR ourselves, by recounting experiences to the point of feeling like there are no good men out there! Even in jest, it is a toxic mental state when we discredit or downplay the existance of men who are admirable, interesting, intelligent, funny, helpful, faithful, an in other ways inspiring. Your perception creates your reality. The more we allow one another to focus on the negative, the more we will see ourselves surrounded by the negative. You see how unproductive this behaviour is, right? Ultimately, your perception will tell you that all men are manipulative, untrustworthy, and cruel. Does that seem like a good way to view the world? I didn't think so.
Hence, my love of Hunk O'The Month.
You know why I love my man-friends? They show me that there ARE men who are kind, generous, thoughtful, and genuine. They prove to me that, while that last guy may have treated me with little regard, there are still men who respect and honour women for their integrity, virtue, and intelligence. They are human. They have feelings. They have fears and desires and goals. They love and appreciate women for who we are. Maybe we're not dating, but that doesn't mean we don't love and appreciate each other.
In acknowledging the good men in my life, I am inspired to know that the ones who weren't so good are not the norm; only a blip. A blip that made a mistake by not living up to the faith and trust I had in him. And as I see my good men-friends in their relationships and marriages, I know that one day I will find someone as genuinely wonderful as MY friends, and he will actually want to be more than just another shoulder to lean on.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Last weekend, I got a booty text (one sad long step lazier than the booty call). Confused, and slightly alarmed, I never responded. But I'd be lying to say I hadn't been tempted. While a booty call like that goes against my inner grain, sense of morality, and integrity (as he's not exactly someone I would date or be seen having much of a conversation with), he's attractive. More than that, while we're not remotely intellectually, spiritually, or even personally compatible, the physical attraction is definitely there. It's carnal. And I'm okay with admitting that.
So what IS so wrong with a booty call? It's not like I'd be using him just for his body. He's nice. And I like him. He's really talented. And let's not forget the silk sheets factor. And we have tried going out on actual dates more than a few times, although sporadically. I suppose the only thing really keeping me out of that bed around midnight is the hope that I'll meet someone who I respect. A whole lot. Enough to get me to stay out of the arms, lips, and sheets of a guy that I know I have no future with. What I'm starting to wonder is...Would this guy I'm holding out for even care? I mean, let's say there IS a Mr Wonderful around the corner. Who's to say he'd care if I have a purely physically affectionate relationship tiding me over on the side until? I'd always assumed it would be a reflection of my character, of my integrity, and my self-respect- to NOT respond to a booty call or waste time on a meaningless relationship. But I've gone for 30 years with that attitude! Maybe I've had it all WRONG!
You've probably had a booty call or two. What's your take? If you met someone and found out they were biding time with another booty opportunity before they met wonderful you, would you think less of me? ahem. I mean...HER?
* May I just note that my booty caller is apparently, not devoid of feeling. At the minimum, his pride has been damaged. Usually friendly or at least, sheepishly flirtatious, he has barely spoken to me, and I feel just terrible. But shouldn't I be offended that he would even demote me to booty call status? Do I bring it up and pour lemon on his paper cut of a wound? I'm trying to figure out how to ease his pride while remaining out of his bed...
Pay attention, 'coz you gonna get SCHOOLED. If you don't read these blogs already, you probably should. I am particularly in favour of a recent subject: Diamonds.
You've probably heard my voice on this one, but I like the documentation from Katie and Kory. Click on their names and get the full story.
Friday, August 3, 2007
I've been saving this for you, since a) it's Friday and b) I'm headed to the ponyraces in Del Mar to earn a little cash for the weekend, so it seemed fitting.
So last night at Chronic, the little hot tamale behind the counter created a controversy. I was convinced he was gay; Krista disagreed, citing that he had flirted mercilessly with me over the salsa. As we know, gay men love me like unicorns love ambrosia. So. Those of you who frequent the Chronic...Is that little blondie surfer behind the register gay, or just kinda lisp-y?
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Normally, my general opinion is, "If he's not asking, I'm not going," but in these situations, where it's clear he likes her, it can be somewhat hard to read. The other night, as I listened to yet another one of these spectacular women bemoaning her confusion, I noticed a pattern among them. While these women are aggressive in being successful in life, not one of them wants to be aggressive in relationships. Being the naturally outgoing woman she is, because she is the first to approach him, she doesn't know if his interest is real, or if it's simply because she's made herself accessible. When I am in this situation, I have come to develop the attitude that if he's not asking, he's not interested. But when I see these situations happen to other friends of mine, I think, "That's CRAZY! He's obviously intimidated/afraid of rejection/thinks he has no chance with you!"
So what's an assertive girl to do? None of us wants to end up in a relationship where we call all the shots; we do that enough in our careers, callings, and social circles. All men will say it's flattering to have a girl ask him out, my question for you is...how much does he mean it?
And if you could make your advice quickly...One girl has found her paramour is moving in a few weeks!