Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Slut-O-Ween.

A Holiday for Sluttiness
Halloween should be freed of adults who use it as an excuse to dress up like hookers.
- Joel Stien


Holidays are for children and conservatives. And the one holiday that is still just for kids -- free of campaigns to replace Santa with creches, painted eggs with crucifixes, fireworks with flag lapel pins -- has been ruined by the rest of the adults. This year, I was invited to six Halloween parties, which would not be strange if it weren't for the fact that I'm older than 12. Meanwhile, I was invited to zero New Year's Eve parties last year. People vastly prefer Halloween parties because New Year's Eve involves dressing up like an adult, whereas Halloween involves dressing up like a slut.

I understand that the masquerade ball is a classic that faded away, and that people need an opportunity to hide behind a mask in order to safely express their hidden selves. It makes sense that once a year I get to peek into your psyche and find out whether you think of yourself as a whore nurse, a whore pirate, a whore angel or a whore whore.
That's fine. But not on the kids' favorite day. It's transforming formerly child-friendly costume shops from fun-creepy into Chris Hansen-creepy.
There's no chance that harrumphing will return Halloween to the innocent and carefree days of threatening neighbors who don't give you candy and vandalizing trees with toilet paper. So we need to invent a separate holiday when adults can get drunk and finally wear that pair of boots that seemed OK in the store but it turns out go up a little higher than you thought.
That's why, after much research and consultation, I have founded our nation's newest holiday: Slut Day.
It will take place the first Saturday of every August, a time both barren of holidays and plenty hot enough for really degrading costumes. Slut Day festivities include costume parties with themed drinks such as the Lindsay Lohan (just whatever in a giant glass) and, if possible, flat-screen TVs showing the latest celebrity sex tapes and select parts of "Meerkat Manor." Or anything else. Flat-screen TVs are just sexy.
In addition to fixing the Halloween problem, Slut Day also can replace the "Pimps N Hos" parties scattered across the calendar, which are racist and sexist, with an event that is only sexist. That's a 50% reduction in offensiveness.
Slut Day rights the wrong that dates to the late '80s, when San Francisco's Exotic Erotic Ball, which takes place on Halloween, went mainstream. Even at liberal-yet-uptight Stanford University, I was dragged with my freshman dorm mates to an Exotic Erotic party, where I wore a red clip-on bow tie and a plastic bag from the campus bookstore that I had punctured for leg holes. It was neither exotic nor erotic. But it did make a point that society has since learned: Neither gender wants men to try to be sexy. Slut Day will embrace that fact by having all men dress like Hef: silk pajamas or bathrobes only. No, those aren't sexy either, but women feel uncomfortable if they're wearing a fishnet bodysuit and their date is wearing chinos and a blue Oxford. Or a bow tie and a bookstore bag.
Conflating sexiness with scariness never made sense to me: It's too Freudian and Puritan and 1980s movie. Now sexiness will be unfettered. We as a nation need one day to vent our nationalism, one to be thankful and one to focus our love of arbors, and it is way past time to give an equal outlet to our incredible sluttiness.
Let the Japanese hide their perversions in creepy clubs; we shall have a day when CBS will broadcast a parade where the grand marshals are Tila Tequila, the Pussycat Dolls and whoever is dating Brandon Davis.
So enjoy your last Slutoween. I've put some calls in to Playboy, asking it to spearhead this movement and drop its yearly Halloween party, its second-biggest annual event. I also beseeched Playboy to channel all its party-planning energy into its biggest annual event: the Midsummer Night's Dream Party, which, it turns out, takes place the first weekend of August. And needs a better name.

14 comments:

Krista said...

As I always tell you, I love your mind.... This is pure wisdom and truth at its finest.

(PS- Stop knockin' the Pussycat Dolls)

Left-Handed said...

Today a 250lb woman at work dressed up as a belly dancing pirate. And I just kept asking myself why. Seriously, tonight I drove by a fraternity house and whoa... the girls were all wearing mini mini skirts. How about Fasching? That is what the Germans have.

Tannerama said...

Whatever. Halloween is awesome. Girls with class wear good costumes. Just because other girls wear trampy costumes doesn't mean you have to.

I sincerely doubt that the reason that people throw Halloween parties to dress scandalously. I sure as hell don't go to Halloween parties to ogle girls dress scandalously. People go to, horror of horrors, have a good time. It's the one day a year I can wear a silly outfit and get creative.

So, lighten up huh?

k8 said...

i love me some Joel Stein. I even wrote him to say how much i loved this column.

Salt H2O said...

Oh Tanner I so totally disagree with you. At a recent party there was NOT ONE woman in a non-slut like costume. This has been an on-going trend for the past 8 years, especially in Singles wards.

The sad part is, it's spread to children, I've seen 3 stories on CNN about revealing haloween costumes for girls, and why moms would buy such trash for their daughters.

Halloween is an awesome holiday, but I'm with Stein, women need to save dressing like a whore for another day.

f*bomb. said...

This article wasn't written by me- it's from Joel Stien. Katie introduced the link, but I thought it was appropriate for Halloween (as opposed to some of the costumes I saw last night, which had very little to do with dressing up, and more to do with dressing with a little as possible). I'm not kidding, just by pulling out of my driveway I saw a girl in a skintight half-shirt and silver underpants. Nothing else. O. A gun.

All I can say is if I ever have a daughter like that, I'll chain her ot the bathroom door before I let her leave the house like that.

Missa said...

As a mother of a 10 year old daughter, I must comment on how horrified I was last night at all the little hoochies cruising around the block. Not even 16 year olds...im talking 10-14 age range. In thigh high stockings and boobs all over the place (did any of you have boobs like that at 10? What are they putting in the water now a days...)fortunately my little one is a product of her mother and likes to dress for Halloween...either scary or funny. this year she dressed as Tracy Turnblad from hairspray and I was more than happy to help stuff her fat suit.
What I love about Halloween is that I try to look as beat as I can. I mean you spend all those hours the rest of the year trying to be cute so I embrace the one day a year I have to be ugly and proud!!

Silvs said...

Something interesting is that adolescents are hitting puberty at younger ages and this is attributed to more exposure to sexually arousing stimuli at younger ages, thus, girls are getting periods earlier and growing boobs when they should still be little girls.

Dainon. said...

Man, everybody is taking this day too seriously. I went out last night and had one of the best Halloweens I've had in five years. I hit four parties all trussed up like a Reno 911 motorcycle cop. And I had a blast.

On another note, I heard a statistic last year that you can take and do with what you will (though I've no source to back it up): More people are "gettin' lucky" on Halloween than they are on New Year's Eve, almost a 3 to 1 ratio, even. It just might have something to do with those scandalous revealing outfits, but I dunno.

caroline said...

favorite comment ever: "don't you know that halloween is the only day you don't have to wear your garments??"

my response: "hmmm, i don't remember them saying that in the temple interview, does that mean sex is free game today, too?"

if so, i would have planned last night very differently.

Anonymous said...

Caroline-

The no-garment on Haloween rule was given in a talk called "Exceptions to Living the Gospel" it also says you can drink alcohol if it's only occasionally, or you're in Europe, when dating it's ok to do everything BUT have sexual intercourse, and Sunday Bruch at the Chart House is exceptable if it's a special occasion and you at least attended Sacrament meeting.

Matt 6:24, 3 Ne. 13:24

Silvs said...

Caroline, do you think you can put a link to that talk on here? Just curious about what it has to say.

f*bomb. said...

Caro- I'm just totally jealous you didn't send me some of the results from YOUR opted evening on Hallow's Eve.
I'm also really disappointed that I've never gotten pregnant over Halloween...apparently, everyone's doing it.

Anonymous said...

Any idea how credit crunch affected porn?


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