Sunday, October 28, 2007

Train Wreck.

If you are in an horrible car accident and you are able to walk away from that twisted wreck of metal left behind and the bones are not broken and the bruises have faded, do not think for one second that you have not been in that car wreck.

Somehow it seems easy to believe that, when a relationship ends in a horribly painful disappointing way, we can close that part of our heart up, lock it up in a box and shove it in a corner to forget about it. Why worry about a bad relationship when you should be thankful that the train wreck it was came to it's inevitable conclusion and things are over? NEXT! Pick yourself up, be thankful for what you have, for who you are, and be grateful that you dodged a bullet. Why shed a tear over someone who did not care enough about you to be decent? Why waste time or energy on someone who has clearly not given the same kind of consideration to you? Many times have I breezed by with a grateful smile, knowing I am better off and declaring, "He does not deserve the air time," "If that's how the relationship was going to be I'm better off without it," "Better to find out what he's made of now than 5 years and 3 kids later!" and always my favourite: "He does not deserve my tears."

The problem is, even if we are in a car wreck, and the metal is burning and the glass is shattered and the sound is ringing and the smell is sickening but you can walk away with no broken bones; you were still in a car wreck. It would be foolish to assume that when the bruises fade, so will the damage from the accident. Because the last thing you want to find out when you're cruising on a brand new street in your favourite new car that you love being in because it is so good to you, is that you have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding that started from a lousy accident you had two years ago.

Many times I feel that it would be ungrateful of me to feel sadness over such a wreck. I should be glad that it's over. I should be glad the timing was now and not later, when things were deeper, when stakes were higher...What I've found is that a lot of us are walking around feeling this way. As a consequence, we are surrounded by the injured, and it would break my heart to find that, when we are most happy with our someone new that those old hurts that were simply shoved into a corner, only resurface later and hurt someone who wasn't even at the scene of the crime.

I admire those of you who can express your feelings so freely, with no fear of the consequences. I look to your example and hope for the bravery and courage it requires to trust someone else so completely that I no longer have "always one foot on the ground." If only all of us could fall so completely, so openly, with the immense faith it takes to know that you will fall in order to be caught.


Vanilla Vice said...

We know how I feel about this. I'm going to blog about it tonight. The three times I just gave my heart on my platter without even thinking. Stupid I guess.

Tannerama said...

Tanner loves Regina Spektor.

Ashlee said...

Taking time to heal. Although I think it is one of the hardest things to do, I also think its the best thing you can do. It's times like this where a person can really find themselves and figure out what they want or what is important, and not just in dating relationships.

I'm always mind boggled when a person jumps right into something else only to find out down the road it was a band aid.

Seymour Glass said...

of course, if you end up with broken bones, in an ambulance, you have also been in a car wreck.

f*bomb. said...

And there is the pattern of going from one situation to the complete opposite OR the exact same type of relationship. Neither is healthy.

Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why do we expect to hit the ground running and just jump from one sinking ship to another? Why not take the time to heal, reassess, recognize your needs and what you are willing to give, and THEN seek out a healthy, balanced relationship- rather than simply seeking a solution through someone else.

The Meesh said...

I'm not one to give my heart freely. In fact I feel like I have so much internal damage from loving relationships that not even a new loving relationship can help, and that's two years after the fact. I can't live my life in fear of loving again just to not be able to love completely. What do I do?

Salt H2O said...

My comment is a little off topic, but this reminds me of what we called the circle of player.

Boys come home from their missions, start dating seriously try to get married, some get in good relationships that last- others get into serious relationships that end in heart ache. To cope, boys become players until a year before they graduate, fearing the that they'll go into the world single, they date seriously again- some get married others get heart broken, and then they fall deaper into the bitter player phase.

They graduate from college, start making money and decide that they're going to spend their money on themselves, create unrealistic expectations in a mate to justify their dating status (I'm just picky), enjoy being self-centered players, for about 5 years 'til they hit 29- 30 is around the corner and they're getting old. They start dating seriously again, some get hitched, those that don't, proclaim to give up, create REALLY unachievable expectations in a mate so it's their own selectivity that has made them single, not the fact that they have tried and failed, and become more bitter, and more PLAYER than before.

Somewhere around 33, they realize that they're becoming creepy old guy, and they become serious about relationships again. Usually it works this time because their unrealistic expectations have been shattered, they've matured a bit and are a great deal more accepting.

Those that don't get married in this last cycle of player will probably always be single, unless they decide that they're just going to buy a wife.

bechtold clan said...

Love your post...but have to one that was deeply and most terribly hurt in a marriage that I thought would last...even when I got out- took time- thought I healed...there is a part-- a forever part that will not heal. It cannot be undone what was done to me, and therefore I am forever changed. I am not the same person as before and thus there is not the possibility of "time" or "taking time to heal before entering something new". I am now who I am and thus have to move forward. To not would be to give "him" EVERYTHING and he took too much as it is. So I moved on. And Im so glad I did. Life has been good to me.
Thanks again for a great post.

f*bomb. said...

I love when you testify, Bechtold. I do. Such trials are opportunities for growth- we are not meant to forget them or to ignore that they are a part of our history. War wounds prove our strength and our power to overcome and survive difficult obstacles. We will never be perfectly ready for everything- we can't expect ourselves to be "perfect" before allowing ourselves to move on. But we can become whole and happy with who we are as individuals, without expecting all our old wounds to be healed by someone new.
I love love love the book, "That All These Things Might Give Thee Experience" by Neal A Maxwell. It's all about the role that trials play in our lives to give us the opportunity to become more like Christ. It's amazing.

f*bomb. said...

Three words: Creepy Old Guy.

Does that work the other way around? Because I think my habit of 24 year olds may qualify me as "Creepy Old Lady." That is, if Creepy Old Lady has a slamming bod and is totally hot. As Monica's little brother just taught me:
"Do you know Karate? Because your body is KICKIN'!"

Salt H2O said...

Society has a nicer terms for Creepy Old Ladies- they're called Cougars.

You can't qualify to be a cougar until you're over 35, and had some sort of cosmetic surgery.

f*bomb. said...

Well, I am Asian. Therefore, I will never be 35 or need cosmetic surgery.
So, PS- 24 year old boys:


linds said...

I love this post including the video. I relate to feeling like "I've never loved anyone fully." Maybe once. But, even then, I don't know that it was the love I was looking for. I need to be more like the people you are talking about who express their feelings fully with no fear of the consequences. I love that thought.