Thursday, January 10, 2008

Don'tcha Wanna Ride?

I just said, quite possibly, one of the most embarrassing things to ever say.
And I am never embarrassed.
Once it was said out loud, I wanted to crawl under my bed and hide.
We were talking about all the possibilities of my life right now; the jobs I was applying for and the things I want to accomplish. And along with that came the reality that I may need to move in order to fulfill these goals. And along with that came this comment:
"And it's not like I'm dating anyone here. And I've been here for 3 years! And the last person I even dated seriously was a YEAR ago! ...If this isn't the place for me, maybe I need to be somewhere where people are more serious."
And then my stomach dropped.
I really said that.
It came from my mind.
From my lips.
From my voice.
This is how I really feel? This is what I really think? That I should abandon an entire city, simply because I'm not dating someone?!?
I didn't think I was that sort of girl.
O wait.
I'm exactly that sort of girl.
The kind of girl who will move if someones not actively making a move. It's why I left Provo like a bat out of hell. It's why I was okay with leaving Denver (land that I love!). It's partially why I fled the Bay Area. Is it me? Or is it LDS men? Lazy daters? Slow movers? I'm all for taking my time, steeping slowly into commitment (shudder)...but why all the hesitation in even getting to know one another? I simply do not get it.

And just when I think I am getting my just desserts for being too opinionated, independent and intimidating for the LDS world, my neighbour who is the complete opposite of me in nearly every way- adorable with big blue eyes, innocent and blonde as the morning sun (and nearly just as young) exclaimed, "I am thinking of moving because I'm just SICK of the Huntington Beach scene!" ...Okay. I must admit. Of all people, I did NOT expect the following to come from a mini-Barbie that's only lived here for 6 months:
"The problem is that there are a limited number of attractive LDS guys around here. And an innumerable amount of extremely attractive, intelligent women (she gestured toward me; thank you, my mini-Swiss Miss.), and they can't decide who to date! And they don't want to spend money or time to find out WHO they should date because they're too cheap and too scared, so they just do NOTHING! It's cowardly and it's stupid and it's pathetic!"
Well, sweetheart, I must say, I agree. There IS something rather pathetic about a man who is frozen by fear and indecision. But we're not even asking for a decision to have a relationship. And therein lies the miscommunication.

I'm willing to bet (back me up on your opinions, ladies) that 89% of all women would be happy with a casual date with someone who is interested in knowing her better, with no expectations of a committed relationship. Period. But I'm figuring, statistically, judging by our experiences, that men are actually the ones putting the cart before the horse when it comes to dating. They are the ones putting the pressure on themselves to get too serious too fast. So you're pressed for time. I hear that, brother. So am I. So let's run our errands together. Let's wash the car. Let's go grocery shopping. We have to eat, right? We may as well multi-task! So you're cheap. I know it's Orange County and they'd have you believe that everything is about the almighty dollar, but there's not much cost in reading on the beach. Or going on a bike ride. Or surfing. Together.

We don't want a man to stalk us until he decides he wants a relationship with us and THEN starts asking us out. You're right. That setup IS intimidating. It IS a lot of pressure and it's bound to create disappointing situations. But what's so wrong with playing the field? Here's a secret: Girls don't mind if you're dating several of us. There are really only three things I can imagine a girl would have cause to hate you if you were truly playing the field:
1) If you're trying to play it with her BEST FRIEND. ie: the girl she shares a room with.
2) If you're telling each of them that you want to have babies with her (THAT is leading someone on...NOT a second or third date).
3) If you're making out with all of them but don't actually LIKE any of them.
Ladies, take note- if a guy is not doing the above, he is playing FAIR and SQUARE. Let's have none of this "I'm 19-at-BYU-and-think-a-guy's-a-dog-if-he-went-out-with-two-different-girls-in-the-same-weekend." Please. Grow up. Gentlemen, take heart; I don't personally KNOW any women who think that way, and considering I know A LOT of women, I think you're in the clear. So. No excuses.
Get out there and play.

And someone, for pete's sake, come on out and play with me. Because this train is a rockin' on forward...
In the meanwhile, I send out my thanks to all the men I haven't dated. I guess it's thanks to you that I able to be so independent. It is your indecisive immovability which makes me so utterly mobile. Your lack of experience lends me the ultimate freedom to experience everything this world has to offer (except for you, of course, my darling). And yes, truly, not dating you has given me the time to make my life absolutely incredible. So. Sincerely. Thanks.


Salt H2O said...

You've got two options- Move or start 'out sourcing' your dating.

Hadz said...

I feel ya Farrah. I too have bounced from place to place for many of the same reasons. However, while I am enjoying my many experiences and new destinations, I have also realized that the same problem exists in every city. Dating in this day in age is complicated and hard. There seems to be a lack of effort on both sides of the gender spectrum...not to mention a lack of quality prosepective partners. The only other option is to move to Utah simply for the sheer number of prospectives...something that I refuse to do. Therefore, I will continue on with my adventures until I can land that great job that will allow me to set stakes somehwere permanent. For now I am working on getting out of Paradise, seeing as how there is literally NO singles scene here.

f*bomb. said...

I know! It's funny that so many people think I'm super-driven-executive woman; I'm successful because I work hard and I am good at what I do- and (Unfortunately!) I don't have any major distractions, either. Did I PLAN to be the career-ladder sort? No. But am I gonna stop just because no one else is stepping up? HELL'S NO!!!
Live ON, my friends!

Camden said...

Farrah, you're great and all, but I've really got to disagree with you on this one. Every time I've casually dated more than one woman at a time, it ends up with more than one emotionally scarred woman. I've been on the receiving end of some really ugly restraining order type stuff just because I dared to not date exclusively after a couple of weeks. And in our marriage-centric culture, it takes a well-adjusted Mormon to grasp that dating can be casual, fun, and nothing more than a great way to get to know someone better. Unfortunately, well-adjusted single Mormons seem to be in the minority.

k8 said...

with all due respect, can we please PLEASE stop blaming the boys for all our dating woes? I've lived in three different Mormon hot spots now and everyone everywhere complains about the same two things but somehow, people are getting married. Less whining, more living.

Jillian said...

Amen sister. I think that guys are much more prone to the rubber band problem...stretching way out into the 'future relationship' and then snapping back from fear/expectation/worry.

I am trying to figure out where my next move will be. The tricky part, for me at least, is not developing a grass is greener attitude.

f.bomb. said...

Did I sound like I was blaming? I didn[t mean to...I did, however, mean to imply the corrolation for ME (not anyone else) and hopefully offer a better system for communication.

...Camden...if this is the Cam I know and love, I think making out with more than one woman at a time will most definately result with hurt feelings- it should just be a given. Even if she SAYS she doesn{t care, chances are high, she{s not being entirely honest with herself, or with you.

Mi apologies por la horrible punctuation. It{s different en La Guatemala...

Rachel said...

Ah Farrah. My heart goes out to you. It still boggles my mind how in the midst of the dating craziness that anyone ever does get married, but somehow it does happen. I love your spritely writing, if that's any consolation. :)

Jillian said...

Oh didn't sound like blame, just observation.

Vanilla Vice said...

This is a complicated topic. I once thought the guys were being the idiots. But then I watched some great guys get dumped by "party girls". I think we're all dating the wrong people. Both sexes need to start learning how to profile and stop getting hung up on time wasters. As I get older, I date more with my head than my heart. And if the heart starts to hurt too much too often, cut 'em loose!

Anonymous said...

Farrah, we must live in parallel universes. Any girl who actually says yes to a date in HB is a major accomplishment to most guys. All the guys here know that. In fact, having girls that at least say a Hi back is consdered a "good day" at church.

f*bomb. said...

O! You make me sad, Anonymous! Have you ever asked me out? Because you probably have an 87% chance of my saying yes, and about a 98% chance of my saying "hello" in return. Maybe you are asking out the wrong kinds of girls. The kinds of girls that are going to be a huge pain in the ass anyway. Don't worry about it. You don't want to live with a bitch, no matter HOW tight her jeans are. Trust me on this one.

f*bomb. said...

O! You make me sad, Anonymous! Have you ever asked me out? Because you probably have an 87% chance of my saying yes, and about a 98% chance of my saying "hello" in return. Maybe you are asking out the wrong kinds of girls. The kinds of girls that are going to be a huge pain in the ass anyway. Don't worry about it. You don't want to live with a bitch, no matter HOW tight her jeans are. Trust me on this one.