Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Call me for random sex.

So there's this guy who comes into work on occasion; fairly attractive, nicely mannered, funny and has an interesting job. He skyrockets up on my chart because
a) he's from Boston (hot)
b) he's a regular-type guy (humble and low-maintenance- see "a")
c) he works for Mtv (my dream job!)
d) while I meet a lot of men who might try to be charming and end up being really gross and weird, he's genuinely sweet and charming.

A few weeks later:
Boston stops by and tries getting my attention, but I'm already running all over like a madman, helping 3 other clients. He waves from a distance a few times and hangs around, but later I notice him talking to a friend who works nearby. I run over to her when I have a moment and gush, "Boston is SOOOO cute! Did he ask you out? Please- o- Please! You have GOT to go out with him and let me live vicariously because he is sooo cute! Don't you think he's cute?" She didn't, but she indulges me and says that she'll entertain the idea, even though she thinks he's a player. I respond incredulously, "how could a guy like THAT be a player? He's so sweet. And so down-to-earth. He's such a GUY. He's GROUNDED. It's because he's sooo BOSTON."
She rolls her eyes.

Two weeks later:
me: So? Did you go out with Boston yet?!?!
she: No.
me: Did he call? Have you talked?
she: uhhh...I'm not interested.
me: But how do you know that?!? He's so NICE. He is soooo nice!
she: eh. He's a player. He's not interested in a relationship. He's just in it for sex.
me: ! Wait...What? But why? He is? How do you know this?
she: He said so.
me: HE SAID SO!?!? (Is this how the gentile world communicates?!? Is it really all so clear-cut and simple to determine? And if so, isn't that an awkward first conversation?)
she: He said, "what are you looking for?" and I said, "A serious commitment," and he wasn't, so that's that.
me: Well...I mean, I would balk, too, if someone led with "a serious committed relationship, too!" Right? I mean...that's kind of intense of you. You're kind of intense. I mean- what did he say, EXACTLY?
she: He said, "I want to go out and have fun."
me: FUN!?!? FUN!?!? What's wrong with fun? I want to go out and have fun with someone!
she: "Fun," means, "sex."
me: (my world begins to crumble.) Wait. What? I'm confused. How does having fun mean "casual sex"? Do people still have casual sex? Isn't that sooo 80s? I mean, he's a nice guy. A NORMAL nice guy. Maybe he really does just want to go out and have fun. ew!- O my gosh!- Did he actually SAY to you that he just only wanted to have sex with you?
she: No. I mean. It was a text.
me: WHAT?!? He TEXTED that he wanted you for casual sex?!? (my little world is melting right about now.)
she: That's what it means, Farrah. You ask someone, "what are you looking for," and they either say they just want to have fun or a good time OR you're interested in a serious relationship. I'm too old to be playing games. I'm 37. He's 31. I'm just not interested in playing around. But maybe I should give him your number. I mean, YOU're fun! You think he's cute. You should totally go out with him.
me: (shocked.)...I don't even know how to respond to that.
she: Well, he thought you were cute and he said he wanted to get your number.
me: (descending from shock into utter speechlessly baffled.) Wait. WHAT?!? You two TALKED about me? About ME?!?! Having casual sex. With him?!?! I'm MORMON. I don't DO THAT.
she: O! Yeah. I knew that. I didn't realize you were so strict.
me: Uh-ha- YEAH. I AM. I mean- yes! I mean...O my gosh- you thought I would have casual sex with a STRANGER?!!?
she: You thought he was cute!
me: O dear...This is so not what I thought we were going to be talking about...O my gosh. You think I would have sex with him...O my gosh...You told him I would have casual sex with him?!?! I need to know what you said, EXACTLY what was said- RIGHT NOW.
she: We were texting about doing something all weekend- just back and forth- and then he asked what I was looking for, and I said, "A serious relationship," and he said he just wanted to have fun, and I said, "You should ask Farrah." And he knew who you were and said you were really cute and I asked him if he wanted your number and he said, no, that he could get it himself.
me: Wait- so he says he's only interested in casual sex, and the first thing you say is, "You should call Farrah!"?!? I have just sunk below the depths of humiliation. And now he totally thinks I am the kind of person who would just sleep with him. Boy, is he in for a disappointment.

I am calling the next segment an anthropological experiment. If I ever see him again I will agree to go out and ask him exactly what does he think he means by asking out random women to only have sex with him and what does he think those women think? My mind is still a bit boggly by the thought that one could actually- WOULD actually- pick up a phone and say, "I'd like to go out with you, but not because I'm interested in getting to know you and not because I want to actually spend any real time with you. I just want to only have sex with you (random stranger)."
I can't believe people are actually buying into this kind of crap. And while I'm utterly humiliated that I was the first person named when the question, "If you're not open for it, who else could I call for random sex be?" I am also absolutely fascinated this kind of conversation even happens. And I'm genuinely curious at what is going through this dude's head. I mean, how does a proposition like this go? Over the salad portion of dinner? "I'm not interested in talking to you, but how about you take your pants off when we finish the salmon?" Or, "I don't really care that you're educated and accomplished, but how about you make sure you pick up all your things off my floor before I send you home in a cab?" and, "What was your last name again?- how about we just take our clothes off and have at it?"

Fascinating. I'm horrified.

Of course, now I'll be totally humiliated if he never gets my number.


Christa Jeanne said...

Wow. Just... wow. Is that really what the non-LDS dating world is like? *shudder*

Jenn K said...

Let him read your post if he contacts you. You'll be doing him a favor. Really.

f*bomb. said...

I am horrified. Really.
Christa- this is exactly what I said!!! I can't believe men get away with this...or that women are so bored/lonely/desperate to LET them get away with it!
When I said I'd lift the iron curtain and let the gentile in, I didn't mean like THAT.

Saule Cogneur said...

My uncle tells me I need casual sex all the time. There is some wisdom to his suggestions, and there are many people who follow that route. That said, I doubt it's something one advertises to strangers. Maybe you just lack a statistically significant cross section of friends?

Awesome story.

julia said...

you crack me up.

f*bomb. said...

My mom used to say the same, Saule. It's amazing we're not all in serious therapy.

Mostly I am just shocked to have been the first suggestion of who to hit up for casual sex.


KEL said...

Well you are "fun" so you have casual sex. It's just logical!

f*bomb. said...

I think I would be MORE fun if I DID have casual sex.
I'm only guessing.

KEL said...

Maybe it's just you'd *have* more fun if you did have casual sex or at least that's what TV told me.

Steve said...

Hahaha, hilarious! But yes, this is what the real world means by "having fun", b/c, well, it IS fun. There are lots of guys and girls that just want to do this for a few years, typically their mid to late 20's before getting married. Besides, the fun factor, it helps in knowing what you want and what you don't when you get married. I would always tell my LDS friends they needed casual sex or at least learn how to do it themselves, haha. Besides, to a gentile like myself, I could always look around during Sacrament and tell which ones do and don't anyways. :)

Seriously, funny post!