Monday, May 11, 2009

You Did This.

For quite some time now I've had a social question on my brain that has been seriously bugging me. What do you do when you see your ex? So far, I only have two answers:
1) Smile and be warm, because maybe he'll be different this time.
2) Punch him in the face, like I should have the first time.

I've been without a computer for several months and was seriously lacking in internet access anyway. Tonight I put off doing some very important things because I got caught up in catching up on my friend's lovely blogs and facepicturebooks. And I do not regret it. Not one bit. Because I saw in their lives what I have only wondered about for myself. I saw amazing husbands who go out of their way to do things -little things that show how much they care and how well they know her- like making a mix of songs she would have liked or sending emails of pictures that would make her happy or youtube videos that would make her laugh. I would love to have a man who would randomly make me mix tapes of new music he knows I would like. Or someone who thinks I'm funny even when I'm not. Or who loves you and admires you even though you maybe thought "Twilight" wasn't entirely stupid (even though it is). Or who loves and adores your children and will do whatever it takes to spend whatever moments of time he might have to be with them so they know he cares- even if that means watching cartoons they dvr'd so everyone could sit down and watch them together. Who admires you for going back to school and goes hiking through mud with you in the rain. Or who thinks you're beautiful even though you're throwing up because you're pregnant or who thinks you're beautiful with that 15lbs of baby weight that just isn't going away. Or who would draw you a picture or let you take pictures of him and who likes you in all your silly, giddy girlness even when you are usually an uptight, gun-toting right-wing Republican (I love you anyway, too).

So this is all I have left to say:

I'm so sorry for you, Buster. I am sorry because I still think you're talented and brilliant and I still wish I could be there to love you and support you for everything that you are and for everything you want to be. And I wanted so much for you to know that I would have done anything in my power to help you get there, because I wanted it all for you and that would have made me so happy just to see you happy. But you know what, Buster? You were too self-focused and insecure and selfish to have even noticed all that. And you had the chance to be just as caring and as loving to me as I was for you and you chose not to. You chose to let fear and insecurity and sin lead your actions and you chickened out and you left and you- YOU- will always, always and forever have to live with knowing that you could have had everything you ever dreamed of and a happiness that would never ever give up on you and you didn't do anything to make it happen.
That is just so sad. You are pathetic. I really wish knowing it would make me stop crying for you.

But it is because of the rest of you that I can see there are people out there who do things for each other- all of the time- just because they love someone enough long enough to forget themselves. Or maybe, they are so focused on someone they love that they are doing everything they can to become the best part of themselves in order to be the best person for that someone they love.

4 comments:

Briana Walker said...

i got your text message the other day and you totally made my day. thank you so much for being such a great and supportive friend. i have missed you in the ward. love you babe.

caroline said...

indifference hurts a narcissist (he is, don't argue with me) the most.

trust me, i've been there.

Jenn K said...

Or you can be like me and run into the cute guy you fooled around with in college at Wal-mart and tell him you were in a accident and have amnesia and don't remember him. Yep, I did that. In front of my children. I have major repenting to do.

f*bomb. said...

O, Jennie- that's the best.

Mostly I love that I can look to my friends as examples. It brings true joy to look to you and see how you are living your lives and how you are treating your spouses. Good men may be hard to come by, but good examples are an inspiration for emulation.