Tuesday, April 24, 2007

The Natural Man.

Being home reminded me of a lot of things. For instance, the magic and joy of nature. I love cardinals. I love blue jays. I love that, even now when I see them, it is like a little gift that makes my heart pitter-patter to see one flitter by. They are so bright and so beautiful, and even if they're "common," I still find the sighting of one to be completely unexpected and delightful. But do you know what? The brightly coloured birds are always male. The females of either species are a rather dull, unnoticable brown colour. Interesting.

We often hear the excuse that men are bound by nature to be promiscuious. That it is natural for one man to mate with multiple women. IT'S SCIENCE. But did anyone pick up on the fact that, in nature, it's the males who are putting out all the effort in order to attract a female? Nature proves that men are giving those females a darn good reason to clamour in and line up. But in human culture, somehow it's become the women who feel the need to "prove themselves" or compete for the attentions of a male. So really, "according to science," men should be putting out all KINDS of reasons for women to desire them. According to nature, it seems that men should be the ones showing off abs and tight pants and low-cut shirts. Maybe men should think about pec implants and hilights and working out and dieting...I mean, if everything is about natural instinct in order to mate, perhaps it is men who should enchance their natural charms with expensive perfumes and makeup and "push-up" undergarments, while women are homely and blend into the scenery as best they can, fattening up for the winter in order to protect their families.

I'm no ornothologist, but it seems like (unless you are Jake-beautiful and crawling with $$$ and casually drape your body in Armani) that whole "nature" excuse might be a poor defense for the fellas.


tb said...

Did you just use the word "oronthologist"? I'm so turned on right now.

The Dally Llama said...

You mean that I've spent all these years getting a higher education, trying to be a better person, laying a foundation for financial security, trying to be a more interesting person, working on my personality and trying to learn how to treat a girl right all for nothing? CRAP!

Can you recommend a good undergarment that will adequately lift and separate, or perhaps a good pec implant surgeon?

f*bomb. said...

It's okay, Dall.
I would say I love you for your mind, but we all know I'd be lying.

And that's my point- the whole "provider with something to offer" goes to good plumage. I am a fan of personality-people, but let's be honest: You can never go wrong with blue eyeshadow.

Seymour Glass said...

you can never go wrong with blue eyeshadow? you clearly haven't watched cops or springer lately. there are lots of ways blue eyeshadow can go horribly, horribly wrong.

f*bomb. said...

It's an addiction and I'M DEALING WITH IT, okay?!? Besides, Glass- if you're not out with me, you had better be doing more with your time than watching D-List television. Let that be a warning.

Dally, the point of this post is not to say that men should focus solely on their outward appearance, but that the argument for infidelity or general illicit hanky-panky behaviour on the part of the male species based upon "science," MIGHT not be the most adventageous or wise philosophy to buy into. If you DO, it may mean a future of men in spandex and excessive hair product and preening.

Then I remembered I live in Orange County. Too late!

Seymour Glass said...

trust me, i'm doing important stuff, not watching springer and cops (although i've been known to do this in the past). if i were just watching trashy tv, i'd totally invite you over to eat some kfc and drink root beers. come on!

The Dally Llama said...

Spandex, excessive hair product and preening, eh? Don't we commonly refer to that as "1987" in history books?

I see your point, and it's a valid one. But seriously, I'm having the hardest time getting adequate lift and separation... You gotta help a brother out.

f*bomb. said...

Seymour- You had me at, "trashy tv" and your talk of deep-fat-fried-anything-in-a-bucket...It might not be wise to get me all riled up like this.

Dall- It's not that I CAN'T help you in this department. We all know I'm practically a ninja in this department. It's just that, when you say such things, I think of two things:
1) That moment when Simon Cowell totally felt himself up on national television
2) I find good old-fashioned push ups develop the pectoral muscles really well. That way, you'll look good even WITHOUT the added cost and clothing.

f*bomb. said...

Dall, before you criticize 1987, you may want to note that Kevin adhered to all of those suggestions, and he was not only Prom King, but main squeeze to mulitple hot ladies that night.


nephi said...

i will be the first to admit that i look for almost any reason to instigate a good argument.

that said, i think it's important to note the reason why males in nature, specifically of the fowl variety, tend to be brightly colored and ornate. you see, it's not merely physical attraction that lures a female to such a mate. females choose the most colorful male because it attracts the eyes of predators and offers the well camouflaged mother and offspring a chance to escape. it's a provider trait, not unlike when (shallow) human females are attracted to money, muscles, smarts, etc.

and so it is with humans as it is in nature. men look for signs of fertility, health, and estrogen (long shiny hair, plump lips, a good waist/hip ratio, etc) while women look for signs of a capable provider (examples given above). since it is in the best interest of species propegation that a fertile woman and a provisionary man mate, such is the lust of our natural man.

i will concede that makeup, facials, hair appointments, and jewelry are expensive and time consuming, but hey... so's the payment on a 5 series bmw.

in all seriousness, however, humans are not creatures who rely solely on instinct. we are given the gift of conscience and reason, and therefore, the excuse of the natural man is a weak one at best.