Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Haters.

Wow. This is getting personal.

In response to my "let it go" method of ending relationships (or, rather, simply ALLOWING them to end quietly and with as little collateral as possible), someone wrote this comment:

Farrah's view of backing off and not talking about ending a relationship is just flat out wrong. Farrah's view on "break-ups" is focused on avoidance of communication.... Having been on both sides (avoiding and talking straight up about breaking up), I prefer to talk about it. It may seem like backing off is the easy way out....but what that often ends up doing is pissing me off, the other person off, more gossip, and even more stress than just a frank talk about it. The easy way out often ends up hurting the reputation the one who is perceived to have stopped communicating with the other person. Basically, the person that does that is an asshole. So I guess if you want to be an asshole you can follow Farrah's advice....
-Anonymous

Okay fine. The gloves are off, you indignant hater. Why don't you go ahead and use my name some more? geez...
What I am suggesting is not merely skulking off into the shadows as if in shame. I have done nothing wrong. In fact, in all honesty, I can say (and any man I've been with will agree) I am more than generous in a relationship and incredibly conscious of their feelings. It is because of this level of consideration that I feel- when the relationship wanes and the end is inevitable*- it's best to allow the end to happen peacefully. Gently. Without creating drama or bitterness.**

I don't want to tell someone I care about all the reasons why I won't be with him for the long haul. I won't pick apart someones past behavior just because I feel it wasn't up to MY standards. He was great- otherwise I wouldn't have dated him. I refuse to ever say things I don't mean, or push someone into a corner where they are forced to say things they don't mean to me. Whether they be confrontational OR kind. When you recognize that you don't really align well with someone, isn't it better to simply acknowledge that you aren't compatible and exit politely without causing a ruckus? What can I say? I don't like talking about something unless there is a point to it. And if neither of you is really going to invest the energy it requires to make a relationship work, what more is there to discuss? I can accept him for his life choices, and he will have to accept that I'm not going to change my lifestyle to suit his.

Trust me. The men I've dated- they know I cared. They know I was good to them. I always am. But if someone either chooses to disrespect me or simply does not meet my level of expectations on his own, that is the time where we need to just accept the truth: This relationship simply will not work. And neither of us is going to try and change that. So why not just let it go? Because if you're looking for a grand finale, that's likely all it will be: A show.

I prefer to remember what was real in our relationship. Real caring. Real appreciation. Real value for another human life. I don't need someone to put me down gently, or give me hope, or give me guilt. I'm sure he feels the same. Now, the women participating on Blogg have been quite vocal, and they've said much of what I expected they would. I'm interested to know how men see things going down. You can post anonymously if you'd prefer. I just want The Truth.

So let me ask you this:
MEN- would you rather have someone end things clean and neat, or simply walk away when you can both tell it's over? Is it more considerate to simply accept the end of something, or better to hash it out? Am I, as Anonymous says, "an @hole," or are you grateful for my kindness? Do MEN bring up the break-up talk without some prompting? Am I right to think you're just going to say whatever it takes to not make me cry? How would you prefer things go down when the ship is slowly sinking? Better yet- What do YOU do?

*Disclaimer:
Notice I refer to these as "dating relationships." Not TRUE LOVE. Not long-term. If you love someone and you are prepared to accept them, warts and all, GO FOR IT. Fight the good fight and enjoy your mutual appreciation for one another! And GOOD FOR YOU- because it's certainly more than I've ever wanted to do for someone...
**For the record, I have never dated anyone with a gossip problem...Thankfully, while we may not have been compatible for the long-haul, every guy I've ever dated is 100% respectful of who I am and what I stand for, and the feeling is mutual.

Also for the record: I don't date much.

15 comments:

Mike said...

I don't think any one man can answer it for men in general- just like you disagree with women on this.

I don't think your means of ending relationships is wrong for you because you aren't someone who feels a compelling need to vocally define things. You were in a relationship without defining it as such- both sides understood. Your relationship ended without having to define it as such- both sides understood. It seems as though you are fine with not vocally defining things to know what they are and all the men you have dated seriously were as well.

I think that if you do define a relationship vocally as being a "relationship" and being an exclusive one at that, you probably ought to also have a talk to establish that it is over or is no longer exclusive, or whatever. I think for people who do need to define things it's really important for them to have closure.

Really- I think men are typically more likely to be cool with the way you do things than most women are. Women seem to be more interested in defining things as a commitment in the first place, though not all of them want to.

So, long answer made shorter- I can't say which I'd prefer- fall away or have it defined as ended because it would depend on the past definitions and on how serious we were.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you felt that my comments were a personal attack on you. I shouldn't have used your name in my comments, nor used ahole to describe people who follow your line of thought on backing off. I'm new at blogging and realized afterwards that it was innapropriate of me to use your name in my arguments. My comments were basically a venting of frustration, speaking from bad experiences ive had both in breaking off dating relationships, and also being on the receiving end. I apologize if you felt like I was directing my anger out on you. I don't know you and have no reason to personally attack you. However, with that said, I still don't agree with you viewpoint on breaking things off in a dating situation.

Your arguments are solid. I agree that most of the time, breaking up talks bring excess drama, frustration, and often bitterness by the one that is getting inevitable news. And most of the time the other person has a good idea its coming, and yet will feel hurt when it comes. I guess you could further argue that talking about it is meaningless because often the other person is so wrapped up into getting broken up with that they won't listen; they will just argue and complain with you and walk away feeling bitter towards you. And thus at the end of the day, after your closure chat, what will be remembered instead of the great times you shared is the bitterness of the end. I must admit most men probably will not change when you talk to them about why things must end.

But that is not always the case, and that is why I beleive that closure is needed. People need to be told at the end whats wrong, why things waned, and why you dont want to date them anymore. I view dating as a learning experience, you learn what you like, what you dont like, and you learn from the mistakes you made. When people break things off, it is often not just because you simply lost interest. Often you back away because that person has a personal attribute that you can't deal with, attributes that often will affect the person in succeeding relationships. For those men/women that will actually listen come closure time, or those that take it all in after the bitterness of the breakup subsides , the breakup can be a way for them to really take a look at themselves. What did I do, and what can I do better in the future. That is what closure gives you. And I feel that people deserve that.

Hadz said...

What it all boils down to is being mature about how you handle things in regards to a break-up. Each relationship should be handled uniquely. Follow your feelings and the spirit. Have a general regard for others feelings and you will be fine. It is not always appropriate to walk away and let things "fizzle", nor is it always appropriate to have the "talk". Only you and your partner can get an accurate gauge on how to handle things when ending things. I agree with Mike. If the relationship was defined as an exclusive relationship and had gone on for a substantial amount of time, then a "talk" may be in order. Having been on the giving as well as receiving end of the "walk-away", I can say that there is nothing worse than the non-closure feeling of wondering why the hell someone just walked away without any explanation. Occasionally, it is hard to even tell IF in fact the relationship really IS over. As difficult as it may be, perhaps the "talk" is not such a bad idea in order to avoid miscommunication and hurting one another. Bottom line: Be mature, follow your feelings and care about eachothers feelings (even if you want out).

Hadz said...

After a sincere apology, I think that "Anonymous" deserves a reprieve.

f*bomb. said...

Amen, Mike. AMEN.

I've always thought that (especially when men are concerned) ACTIONS speak louder than words- we don't need to say we're exclusive when we're already spending all our time together. We don't need to say things won't work out because- well (in my situations)- there were lifestyles and attitudes that were not going to change. And I don't think you can really change another person unless they want (of their own accord) to change. So I accept, love, and enjoy them for who they are- until it becomes obvious that our lifestyles will be a conflict and we both accept that as fact instead of pretending he's ever going to start going to church or has any real intent of returning to the gospel or that my morals will never change for someone I'm dating or that I'm not going to move to Provo just because he is there. For example.

Sooo...uhhh...Anonymous- does this mean you're a man? Because I think there are a lot of women here who might like the way you deal with them...I'd consider being your friend but I think I already walked away from this...

caroline said...

i agree that it's a situational thing. you have to do what you feel works best for that particular situation. and if you know someone wants/needs closure, avoiding them is not cool, but if neither party seeks that out, why go there unnecessarily? anyway, not to add fuel to the fire, but i think it's very uncool to post things on here anonymously and attack farrah on HER OWN BLOG. but good that you apologized.

farrah, you're my girl, and i've got your back.

rachel said...

Wow! This is getting intense...

Everyone deals with break ups differently. Fact is, there is a right and wrong way to approach someone without attacking them. That seems more the issue here...

Anonymous said...

yes, im a guy, and I think that most women like the way i deal with them (except when I classify them as an ahole). I'm over this too. I don't know you, but who knows we have mutual friends and I'll may run into you sometime. Have a nice end to your week.

f*bomb. said...

My point in asking MEN what they think is that I have the hunch most men would rather simply let things dissipate naturally than have a whole overhaul talk about ending things. And I'm wondering if THEY are ever the ones to bring up "the talk" and if (when they DO talk about it)...Are they lying? Or do they appreciate the "closure" in the same way that the women do?

I'm not saying I WON'T talk about it- I'm just saying I'm not going to be the one to bring it up first. If I were ever with a man who would DESIRE communication like that, I'd definitely reciprocate.

Anonymous said...

Can we say, "beating a dead horse?" Let's let this topic die....

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
f*bomb. said...

um, Anonymous? If you don't like it, you can always write your own blog.

I would appreciate knowing the perspective of my MALE FRIENDS. I'm simply seeking the truth:

Do men lie when they provide "closure"?

Dainon said...

I'd much rather know where her head is at if things are ending. I'm not one to part ways and never say a word about it. Sure, it may be uncomfortable, but you usually just have to do it the one time and then viola! it's over and done with.

Having been on the other end of partly-formed relationships and getting partial endings from women I've adored (the past couple I really dated, actually) ... well, that hurt. If there'd been an "I got scared" or "I don't see this going anywhere" when it needed saying, that would have hurt as well, but I'd have preferred it. Communication for me, first and foremost. It rules. Them's my feelings.

f*bomb. said...

So do you ever bring up the break up talk if you can tell that she's the one pulling away?

I don't think there's a woman out there who would object to communication on any level...I'm just wondering if it's better for the MAN to bring it up?

f*bomb. said...

Also, for the record- the situation which brought up this whole controversy was a relationship that spanned "15 dates."
To me, 15 dates equals probably about 2, maybe 3 weeks. If it spans more than several months, I wouldn't even consider it dating. I'd consider it "friends" or "someone who asks me out when we don't have anything better to do."