Wow. This is getting personal.
In response to my "let it go" method of ending relationships (or, rather, simply ALLOWING them to end quietly and with as little collateral as possible), someone wrote this comment:
Farrah's view of backing off and not talking about ending a relationship is just flat out wrong. Farrah's view on "break-ups" is focused on avoidance of communication.... Having been on both sides (avoiding and talking straight up about breaking up), I prefer to talk about it. It may seem like backing off is the easy way out....but what that often ends up doing is pissing me off, the other person off, more gossip, and even more stress than just a frank talk about it. The easy way out often ends up hurting the reputation the one who is perceived to have stopped communicating with the other person. Basically, the person that does that is an asshole. So I guess if you want to be an asshole you can follow Farrah's advice....
Okay fine. The gloves are off, you indignant hater. Why don't you go ahead and use my name some more? geez...
What I am suggesting is not merely skulking off into the shadows as if in shame. I have done nothing wrong. In fact, in all honesty, I can say (and any man I've been with will agree) I am more than generous in a relationship and incredibly conscious of their feelings. It is because of this level of consideration that I feel- when the relationship wanes and the end is inevitable*- it's best to allow the end to happen peacefully. Gently. Without creating drama or bitterness.**
I don't want to tell someone I care about all the reasons why I won't be with him for the long haul. I won't pick apart someones past behavior just because I feel it wasn't up to MY standards. He was great- otherwise I wouldn't have dated him. I refuse to ever say things I don't mean, or push someone into a corner where they are forced to say things they don't mean to me. Whether they be confrontational OR kind. When you recognize that you don't really align well with someone, isn't it better to simply acknowledge that you aren't compatible and exit politely without causing a ruckus? What can I say? I don't like talking about something unless there is a point to it. And if neither of you is really going to invest the energy it requires to make a relationship work, what more is there to discuss? I can accept him for his life choices, and he will have to accept that I'm not going to change my lifestyle to suit his.
Trust me. The men I've dated- they know I cared. They know I was good to them. I always am. But if someone either chooses to disrespect me or simply does not meet my level of expectations on his own, that is the time where we need to just accept the truth: This relationship simply will not work. And neither of us is going to try and change that. So why not just let it go? Because if you're looking for a grand finale, that's likely all it will be: A show.
I prefer to remember what was real in our relationship. Real caring. Real appreciation. Real value for another human life. I don't need someone to put me down gently, or give me hope, or give me guilt. I'm sure he feels the same. Now, the women participating on Blogg have been quite vocal, and they've said much of what I expected they would. I'm interested to know how men see things going down. You can post anonymously if you'd prefer. I just want The Truth.
So let me ask you this:
MEN- would you rather have someone end things clean and neat, or simply walk away when you can both tell it's over? Is it more considerate to simply accept the end of something, or better to hash it out? Am I, as Anonymous says, "an @hole," or are you grateful for my kindness? Do MEN bring up the break-up talk without some prompting? Am I right to think you're just going to say whatever it takes to not make me cry? How would you prefer things go down when the ship is slowly sinking? Better yet- What do YOU do?
Notice I refer to these as "dating relationships." Not TRUE LOVE. Not long-term. If you love someone and you are prepared to accept them, warts and all, GO FOR IT. Fight the good fight and enjoy your mutual appreciation for one another! And GOOD FOR YOU- because it's certainly more than I've ever wanted to do for someone...
**For the record, I have never dated anyone with a gossip problem...Thankfully, while we may not have been compatible for the long-haul, every guy I've ever dated is 100% respectful of who I am and what I stand for, and the feeling is mutual.
Also for the record: I don't date much.