Monday, June 18, 2007

What's the Frequency, Kenneth?

I recently commented to a friend (and also to Blogg) that dating frequency often determines the intensity and interest level of a relationship. If someone's seeing me a few times a week, and we spend our weekends together, I figure he's probably interested. If he's only asking me out every few weeks, I call that "going out with my friend to catch up," or "something to do because we don't have anything else going on." But I certainly wouldn't classify it as "dating" or a relationship. And if it's less frequent contact than that, I'm sorry, Sister. He either is just trying to randomly hit that or you are incredibly low on his totem pole of priorities and interests (riiight below stamp collecting). It's this lack of frequency and intensity that suggest to me that you probably shouldn't hold out hope for him anymore.

However, a friend recently said perhaps it is MY thought process that is flawed. (Impossible!) That the frequency which I have become accustomed to is too intense. (What? Me???) Now, I'm no Mr Science, but I find that "chemistry" makes a relationship with someone practically unavoidable, and it's only the few times where I've had such chemistry that I really found myself willing to be in a relationship. But she thinks the openness and immediate depth and connection I consider "chemistry" isn't necessarily healthy. Which will be tragic, since it's that chemistry I rely upon to determine if I'm going to bother spending time with anyone. Not necessarily a physical/sexual chemistry we so commonly label it as, but that connection you feel where you want to know everything they know, and learn about everything they think, and where you can't NOT be with each other, because they become the only person you really want to be around anyway. Where it sets you on fire and inspires you just by understanding their point of view. It's rare, but it's amazing- to meet someone who is a kindred spirit; whose experiences seem to make yours make sense...oops. Was that me being too intense again? Well, if it helps, I find that same kind of connection with my best girl-friends, as well. Let's face it. I have brilliant people in my life.

So maybe I shouldn't ditch out on someone if he only asks me out once a month and there isn't that immediate connection and melding of the minds. It's just that I've heard it said many times that, in Man World, there IS no such thing as "too busy," IF he's actually interested. And I've never been one to "make" a relationship happen. In fact, I believe that much of the turmoil singles report is based upon wishing you could plug someone into your life, and when s/he turns out not to be "the one," rather than feel relief that you haven't hitched your wagon to someone who didn't care enough about you, you're feeling frustrated and upset at a would be "failure."

But if we were really connected, wouldn't we make time for each other? Wouldn't we put forth more effort to prioritize our relationships, IF it were one where there was chemistry and a mutual bond? Wouldn't life be easier if we just accepted one another's friendships a little more readily, but only considered relationships the ones that are chemically unavaidable unions? It seems to me that if he's not putting getting to know me first, that there isn't really a whole lot of a foundation to begin a relationship with anyway, because he was never really that interested to begin with.


Kory said...

Farrah, sweetheart I think you've watched one too many Meg Ryan movies.

Guys won't open up to anyone. The idea of sharing their deepest most heartfelt desires, or even their favorite color with anyone is difficult. How many guys do you know where their best friends really don't know much about them, aside from they shred on a board and they went on a mission...somewhere.

In addition, by asking a girl out frequently it can look like desperation, and they can come across as somewhat pathetic, and no guy wants that.

For anyone to open up and permit such chemistry to occur there has to be a level of trust there. Opening up yourself, taking down your walls and then being rejected hurts, and by this stage of our lives all of us have been hurt and have defenses.

It sounds like you want a girl, or a gay man. You're giving yorself a huge challenge trying to find a guy that will spend hours talking on the phone about absolutely nothing, that will know the perfect gift to give you with out you hinting at it, wants to discuss Emmerson, understands why it's important that you have 5 differnt pairs of brown shoes, and is dying to hear what you ate that day. That's why we have girlfriends, to fill that void.

Don't write off the guys that ask you out once a month, and defenitly don't put them in the friend category just yet- it takes time to build the trust.

That chemistry isn't going to be instant. Most often you get to know some one bit by bit, and slowly you may discover that this is someone you might want to get to know. May I suggest getting rid of the ideas given to us by movies like Sleepless in Seatle, French Kiss, You've got mail, 50 First Dates so on and so them in for When Harry Met Sally.

Hadz said...

Nicely stated Kory. Guys need time to "warm up" to a relationship. The guys that jump in quickly are usually the ones that jump out just as quickly.

f*bomb. said...

Right, Jared...Because I'M one that sticks around for long, drawn-out endings...

Actually, EVERY ONE of my relationships had this kind of chemistry (and even some that were not romantic- this kind of chemistry is a consistant pattern in all my deeper friendships). I can promise you, we never talked about shoes. And rarely did we talk about "nothing." I have, actually, discussed Thoreau (not Emmerson), and I fear that seeing "When Harry Met Sally" too young has ruined me forever, because I still believe that one day, I'll turn around and realize I'm in love with my best friend.

(Of course, all my Best Friends got married to somebody else, and it kinda feels like holding my brother's hand, so...)

Vanilla Vice said...

I wholeheartedly agree with you Farrah. I think the guy that takes you out every once in awhile has placed you on the back burner. One day, when he decides he wants to get married, you and several other women will be in consideration for his hand in marriage. Then I will vomit on his shoes. If he likes you, he will move mountains. See: all your friends that have gotten engaged in last two years.

Hadz said...

I agree that the guy should "move mountains" when he finds someone irresistable. Its just that no guy is ready after one date to move mountains. That only happens in teen romance movies! It takes time for a guy to get to know the girl and decide that he cannot live without her. I personally tend to throw myself into someone that I really like. However, when I have done so, I have also lost interest quickly. The best relationships that I have had have been the ones that developed naturally and sometimes slowly. Nowadays, patience is lacking from the dating scene. What happened to taking time, enjoying the time that we spend with others and letting the good relationships develop into something?!

f*bomb. said...

Please, Jared.

f*bomb. said...

Just kidding, dude. My eggs are just fine and I still look like I'm 23, so who's worried.

Let's be realistic, People Who Actually Know Me. OBVIOUSLY I'm not talking about some teen movie scene...I'm just speaking from experience. And yes- it takes some warming up time or whatever, but...Don't you think that once you actually connect with someone, it's a REAL connection? I'm a little insulted you think I'd actually have conversations about my shoes for hours...I don't even talk that way with my girlfriends that way (KORY!) and likewise for being long and drawn out over relationships- aren't those the posts that got me in so much trouble to begin with? GEEZ! It's like you don't even KNOW me!

Don't even try and pretend you haven't experienced that charge from interacting with someone else who so sets your mind and your soul on fire that you can't get enough of them...Because I know for a fact that you have. Some of you are even lucky enough to have married them.

Kory said...

I'm not denying that kind of chemistry exists, like Jared everytime I've felt it instantly I've been completely disallusioned later. It's the slow burn that tends to last.

I'd never expect you to have conversations about your shoes- frozen yogurt maybe- shoes, never. Many girls expect a guy that acts well, like a girl.

There's a fine line between a guy who is in hot pursuit of his desired beauty and a stalker.

Vanilla Vice said...

I am not saying you move mountains the instant you meet the woman, I'm saying that if after 6 months you're still on the "one date a month" plan, I wouldn't bet that the relationship is going anywhere. After about four dates the guy should have a pretty good idea if he's ready to start in for the long haul or move onto the next...

f*bomb. said...

Exactly. Isn't it true that men know right off the bat if they consider someone a potential hook-up or a potential relationship?
I'd assume the pattern of pursuit would indicate the intent.

"The only thing that seperates a really good boyfriend from a stalker is whether or not you like him."